This is Transition Week at Evil Corporate Job… at least for me and my Learning & Development team. The Corporate Body Snatchers are coming in en masse to meet us to death  have us tell yet another group of people everything we do. In detail. 

So that will be fun.

Even more fun is this: My sister called last night and Mom is in the hospital. The excruciating back pain she has been complaining about dealing with for months was going to be taken care of by surgery “after tax season.” Because we all know that we can just schedule inconveniences, like health issues around our work schedule. Especially if we want to look like a martyr hero.

But her plans were foiled (again!) when yesterday there was “a new development that could cause permanent damage.”  I have no idea what that new development is/was because that is exactly the message my sister left on my voice mail.

Immediately after that she said that her “cell phone battery died this morning” and so I couldn’t call her back. (psst! if you plug it in to the charger, by 8pm you should be good to go.)

Everything has to be a drama and an Emergency with those two. First Mom couldn’t schedule the surgery last December, or even now because “Sis needs me at the tax office. She’s freaking out about the corporate returns and I just can’t abandon her.” And Sis’s answer was the same “She can’t be laid up now! I’m freaking out and can’t do all these returns without her.”

I know I sound bitter and petty and not very sympathetic, but I”ve been run through the wringer too many times with these two. This is their MO. There is no way for me to know what’s true and what is exaggerated for effect. I do know that they don’t think realistically long term and have unrealistic ideas about what they have control over and what they don’t.  For instance: health. My mother is going to be 74 years old next week. Do you really think that this level of pain is something that’s going to help her do complete and accurate tax returns? Of course, there’s bragging rights to working through that much visible pain especially when all your clients will come in and feel sorry for you. That’s an opportunity not to be set aside lightly.

I’m mostly disappointed that all this overly dramatic drama is too late for the 82nd Annual Oscars. Maybe the Academy will still remember her performance by the time they vote next year.

So just because this space is all about me, let’s just tally something up for a second.

According to this page: Major Life Stressors I have a score of 477

Ya think?
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Grateful – “I don’t know what” Edition 2009
Saturday Photo Scavenger: Chemistry 2008
I think they’re missing the point 2007

March 8th, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Comments (5)

This is an article I wrote for my Lutheran community’s newsletter. It is based on the theme verse for our gathering next fall. It was supposed to be 500 words. It’s over 600 words and it was late. Whatever.

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Jeremiah 29:11 [show]Jeremiah 29:11 [11]For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare(1) and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. (ESV) Footnotes 1. [29:11] Or 'peace'
For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.

As I’ve meditated on this verse the question that keeps coming to mind is “what is hope?”

When we use the word in 2010 it comes off as being vaguely wishful (“I hope you had a good birthday!”) or as a synonym for optimism. This second use is the basis for the shelves upon shelves of self-help books, both secular ( Firm Abs Flat Stomach: In Only 30 Days” ) and nominally spiritual (“It’s Your Time: Activate Your Faith, Achieve Your Dreams, and Increase in God’s Favor”)

But what does the Bible say about “hope?”

Two of the first passages that come to my mind are Romans 8:24-25 [show]Romans 8:24-25 [24]For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? [25]But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. (ESV)
“For in hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. for who hopes for what is seen? But we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.”  and I Corinthians 13:13 [show]1 Corinthians 13:13 [13]So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (ESV)
“And now faith, hope and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.”

So “hope” is one of the three things that abides, it’s not as great as love, it’s invisible and we have to patiently wait for it. But what IS it? Is it the same as faith? Is faith personal and hope communal? Is it time sensitive somehow? Faith is present tense and Hope is future tense?

In the Old Testament lesson for the Second Sunday of Lent, we are told that God promised Abram his very own descendents as numerous as the stars. What follows is that wild story about butchering animals for a covenant and Abram exhausting himself keeping the carion off the carcasus waiting for God to arrive and make the covenant. We hear that Abram “believed the LORD and the LORD reckoned it to him as righteousness.”  (Genesis 15:6 [show]Genesis 15:6 [6]And he believed the LORD, and he counted it to him as righteousness. (ESV)
)  But is that faith or is that hope? The LORD is very clear a few verses later that Abram himself will not see the results of any of these promises. Not only that, his descendents will live in slavery for 400 years before they are given the land that the LORD is promising them on this day. 400 years is a lot of patience. More than one human being can have!

Sometimes it’s easier to define something by defining what it is not, or what the absence of that thing looks like. What does the absence of hope look like to you? What does it feel like? For me the answer to that question is easy: it feels like despair and it looks like there are no choices but those that lead to failure. It feels like I’ve been abandoned by friends and family alike; that no one would understand what I’m feeling or be able to help.

And remembering those feelings led me to the word Lament. In his article “Where Two Realities Collide” (The Lutheran, March 2010), Pastor Paul Lutter says that lament describes two relialities: the reality of despair and the reality of hope.

“…hope in the present-tense reality of our lives is hidden. Hope that is hidden is not absent. Hiddenness and absence are althogether different.”

And he quotes Luther saying: “Hope means to expect life in the midst of death, and righteousness in the midst of sins.”

This I can understand intellectually, but sometimes I cannot muster up hope on my own. For me, it’s similar to Luther’s explanation of the third article of the creed: I cannot by my own reason or strength have hope.

So maybe the operative part of this theme passage is that Hope, like our faith and our salvation, is a gift of God?

Another question I have is this: The Bible is fairly clear and consistent in stating that faith should bear fruit and what that fruit should look like; take care of the poor, widow, orphan, sick etc. What are the fruits of hope?
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A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

What’s in a name? 2008
Carnival of the Mundane 2007

March 2nd, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Comments (2)

It’s been a while since I’ve documented some of the things for which I’m grateful. I’m spending way too much time in my head documenting the unending ToDo lists and their unrealistic deadlines. So here is a bit of an attempt to see that silver lining amongst the storm clouds! In no particular order and mostly in a back-handed way, here are some things for which I’m grateful this week.

• I have only 25 more working days to deal with SB the Sand Bat Extraordinaire!
• My taxes are done, filed and I’m getting a refund.
• I’ve had honest conversations with G about finances, current and future.
• I’m sleeping better and that means dreaming. The dreams are weird and on the verge of nightmarish, but I think I’m working out some of the stress through them.
• I got to have lunch with JH on Friday. It was really good to see her face.
• I got the invitations and response cards printed and cut.
• I got my expense check (FINALLY) for the stupid TSA locks for the loaner laptops at work.
• the pattern for my dress arrived in Saturday’s mail
• The seamstress has made the dress before, likes the pattern and is not at all worried about completing it before May 22. (we still haven’t talked price. doh!)
• I met with G’s doctor on Wednesday to talk G’s health and his knees and get some of my questions answered. He recommended SparkPeople.com so now G is using that too.
• I walked outside on Friday and while the air and wind still had a bitter edget to them, the snow was melting in the gutters and the sound of running water outside makes me very happy!!

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

cosmic dust-up 2008
Grand (canyon) Ideas part 2 2007
It’s not easy to see green 2007

February 28th, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Comments (2)

I’ve been crabby the last couple of days and I couldn’t understand why.

Not that there is a shortage of reasons:

1. losing my job (35 calendar days and counting until I”m unemployed)
2. getting married (86 calendar days and counting)
3. somehow finding myself with a DIY wedding (Dear sweet precisous baby Jesus, how did that happen???)
4. College kid with his hand out for money (see here)
5. the prospect of combining houses (and the requisite decluttering)
6. the random manufactured emergencies at work (while I still have a job) that make every day an adventure in mainlining adrenaline

But no. I think that while all those individually are good reasons (and all together may indicate a need for medication) I think the real reason is that we start pre-marital counseling tonight.

You heard me. We’ve both been down this primrose path before so you might make the argument that we aren’t dumb kids anymore and wouldn’t need this. Or – you could argue the exact opposite. Another deciding factor is that we save $$ on the marriage license by doing it.

The bottom line here for me is that this seems to be stirring up a lot of resentment and ick related to Mr. X. I found myself recounting several horror stories of how crappy our relationship was over the last couple of days. And being reminded by a dear friend that “But now you have something better!” In those or similar words meaning “Hey! Lighten up! You’re marrying G, not your X!”

At least I think that’s what she means.

And in a Skype chat with another dear friend, she reminded me ever so directly that my “shit has changed. And you have changed. And G is not X.”

Of course, realizing that doesn’t make the stress magically disappear. Nor does obsessing over it.

I guess I’ll just have to go back to the old tried and true “gently redirect your self talk” method that got me through the last six years. And probably will need to lay this all out for G so he can stop wondering what the heck has gotten into me!
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Letter to my body 2008
Oscars. meh 2007

February 25th, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Comments (1)

I know there will be worse days, but really I hope not.

I think my Darling Son #1 is living under a delusion. A delusion that I could have disuaded him from, if I had had more of a backbone the last five years. If I had stood behind my convictions instead of taking the easy road of conflict avoidance. If I had demanded different behavior instead of silently grinding my teeth in frustration. If I had taken him by the hand and made him see the error of his ways.

In short: If I had made him get a job.

Because you see, the delusion I think DS1 is living under is that he is a Trust Fund Kid (cue the scary music.)

I talked with him last week about the email notice I got from the school. The Very Expensive State University where there is No Reciprocity Agreement and where he has enjoyed his Freshman year due to the fact that he indeed has a Rich Uncle.

The problem is that he does not have Rich Parents. Turns out that I make just enough money to prevent him from getting any Grants (not that there are many left) and no need based scholarships. He did qualify for a Student Loan (something I’m not opposed to as long as he doesn’t graduate with six-figured debt) and something called Work Study.

You remember that don’t you? Like in the movie Animal House? Where some kid gets paid a wage to make sure the automatic sprinklers turn on at the right time?

I worked my way through school. So did his father. I worked work-study jobs as well as “real” part-time jobs and other campus jobs. I worked food service, landscaping, housekeeping and temporaries – both secretarial and light industrial.

Basically, I learned the value of a dollar.

My coddled son still has not learned that lesson.

He still thinks money grows on trees!

Or at least that I have a magic money pot somewhere that has thousands of dollars sitting in it waiting for his wish to be uttered.

He has enjoyed a freshman year filled with not only homework (which apparently he actually completes because he received A’s and B’s first semester) but also plenty of time to watch complete seasons of  multi-seasoned TV shows, hang out with his friends and play intramural sports. (I know all this because I stalk him on Facebook, like a “good” mother should.)

In the last two years of high school, he avoided getting a summer job “because I’m playing baseball.” A weak excuse that his father supported. And this year, despite getting a $2,300 work-study award, he has not found a job. To hear his excuses, the reason comes down to: it would be inconvenient and he would have to get up before noon on days when he doesn’t have classes until after lunch.

My heart’s not bleeding yet for him. How about yours?

Can you imagine my lack of sympathy when he came to me today and said that he “only” has about $1000 left in his bank account and still probably owes $3000 or $4000 for second semester?

Really.

Soooooo, you’ve been just sitting around on your behind all year, enjoying the party and expect me to cough up $1500-2000 now (instead of $400-500) because you couldn’t be bothered to get a job this year.

It’s not that I begrudge him the money. Hell, it’s not even that I don’t have it.

It’s that he is acting like he’s entitled to it without extending any effort on his part. 

This is when I feel like I’m squarely in the Boomer Generation instead of the Gen-X group that my birth-date says I should be in. I feel like a cranky old lady with the “Back in my day” stories and “Money doesn’t grow on trees” admonishments.

And I understand now why those phrases were coined and why they have stood the test of time.

I’m just worried that I’ve waited too long to unleash them on this young man to make as significant an impact as they need to. Should I have had this hissy fit a year ago? Two years ago? Heck, shouldn’t I have made these demands on him when he turned 14 and I was on assistance, living on student loans through the divorce?

Maybe that’s why they say the first child is the practice child? So, you’ll excuse me while I go have a chat with DS2 about his summer plans.
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A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Saturday Photo Scavenger: Temptation 2008
Since no one is paying attention to what I write anyway… 2007
Well, I guess that’s done 2007

February 16th, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Comments (6)

None of these would fit me and most are sold, but this might give you an idea of what I think I’m looking for as far as a wedding dress is concerned. I don’t want White or even Bridal. I’d like a great dress that I can wear to lots of other occasions.

Given my bodacious curves (that aren’t going away by thinking about it) I’m thinking a little retro style is the best move to make. I’ve been doing some research. Let me know what you think.

# 1  http://www.vintageous.com/v5324.htm - my favorite so far. Even though it’s red, which is the color scheme for the rest of the flowers, etc. I was thinking it would be misinterpretted to wear red to my own wedding (even though it’s culturally the norm other places.)

#2 http://www.vintageous.com/v5030.htm - I like the addition of straps

# 3 http://www.vintageous.com/v5410.htm - I like the color, the interest of the beading and the cap sleeves

# 4 http://www.vintageous.com/v5497.htm - color/pattern is fun. shirring at waist might be a problem as I’m sort of short waisted. Or just short.

#5 http://www.vintageous.com/v5429.htm - I like the design element of the wide contrasting waist but don’t know how/if it would work on me

# 6 http://www.vintageous.com/v5530.htm - nice clean lines. color is a little meh but the overall look is great

#7 http://www.vintageous.com/v5658.htm - sweeheart neckline is nice. summery print is good. color OK
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A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Fish 2008
Meanwhile, back in the microcosm 2007
I’m not the only one 2007

February 12th, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Comments (5)

I’m not sure how it happened but it’s February. 1/12 of 2010 is finished. The end of January brought the Official Layoff Announcement and I now have 57 (calendar, not work) days left at the Evil Corporate Job.

Last week was a lost cause due to a cold that knocked me flat. I have to admit that I may have not fought back as hard as I could have. Or as hard as I would have in other times. I started feeling a sore throat Tuesday night in the middle of the night. By Wednesday at choir I was using the Think Method more than actually singing. Thursday was a lousy day at the office and Friday was Work from Home Day.

By Friday I felt bad enough that Work from Home meant work from bed. And here is where the story begins to take a turn from the usual way this would unfold in my life. Knowing that I was sick, G proactively asked if he could bring over dinner and “anything else you need.” I gave him a list of cold medicines and he actually brought them all; it came to almost $50 because he bought the bigger boxes because he said he “didn’t know how long you’ll need this stuff.”

On Saturday, it was an effort to move from the bed to the couch and I spent the day snoozing on the couch, watching movies with DS2. I needed to get dog food by dinner time but just couldn’t make myself put on clothes and navigate the cold and snow to go get it. G told me NOT to go and that he would bring over dog food — and dinner again.

He also brought flowers.
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

I’d like to get this out of my head now, thank you 2008
love these quizzes 2007
Weather update 2007
SL has Leukemia 2005
Presenteeism strikes – another Ellen Goodman editorial 2005
Tolerance: intolerable? Ellen Goodman editorial 2005

February 4th, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Comments (3)

I’m whining about my training schedule over here and here.

I know. I just started yesterday. Aren’t you glad I’m compartmentalizing?
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Music Monday – Warm memories 2009
The unbelievable sweetness of life 2008
for Misss Eliza 2008
Pilates #2 2007

January 26th, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Comments (1)

…the Vikings choke. This is not really a surprise for those cynical folks in Minnesota. What’s surprising is when a team actually wins a championship. Not when they come from ahead to lose. Our common refrain is “Well, it was a good season.” or something like that. G and CS were over for the game yesterday and we had a low-key few hours.

Of course, you know that I don’t really care about sports. It’s an entertainment industry and I guess as such provides valuable jobs and keeps the economy moving, etc. etc. but I have a whole rant about how our society worships sports idols more than anything else we say we worship and more than is necessarily healthy for a society with so many other things that need our time and attention.

Anyway.

On Saturday G and I walked around MOA and window shopped for rings. The adventure had a bit of a rocky start when, instead of going to the mall where we could ease in to looking at rings and talk together about what we had before, he took me in to a stand alone jewelry store where we were immediately accosted by a sales person who started asking too many questions. What are you looking for? Men’s rings? Women’s rings? Engagement rings? Solitaires? How long have you been together? Are you engaged already? Do you want matching bands? AAAAAAGGH.

In the flurry of the inquisition G made a couple of comments that sent me just about over the edge and I just called an end to the whole thing and walked out of the store.

Sitting in the car in the parking lot with freezing rain falling I told him that I never wanted to hear him say “whatever she wants” about anything related to this wedding. I was a mess of conflicting emotions and thoughts and it was a pretty rough half hour or so.

Eventually we got to the place where we articulated to each other a couple of important points. It’s not about the “stuff” but a ring is an important symbol. I don’t need (or want) a huge “rock” that will spending a huge amount of money, but hearing that he didn’t want to spend the money on the price tags we had just glimpsed made me feel like I did with X – that I wasn’t worth the $ to him, that I was again going to be the main bread-winner and a whole host of other nasty thoughts of which I’m not proud.

After we walked past a few more stores and I began to see things I actually liked, and he saw that what I liked wasn’t thousands and thousands of dollars I think we both calmed down a little bit.

About that time we walked past a stationary store and I went in to look through the invitation catalogs while he used the restroom. Good. Grief! Invitations have changed in 26 years – and they haven’t gotten cheaper! As I continued my research on-line later that evening I found it ironic that it would be very easy to spend more on the invitations than on the wedding ring I buy him! Totally stupid, IMHO. So, now I’m researching alternatives.

Last night after the football game I started researching dresses. I don’t want a wedding dress. I’d like a nice, classy dress that I can wear again and again. The trick comes, of course, with the idea that as I begin training for a half marathon I am a much different size and shape than I will be in four months. But estimating that size and shape is tricky. And again, even with a “nice” or a vintage dress, I could easily spend more on it than on the wedding band he liked.

I’m back to thinking those folks who elope are on to something. Although I want my friends and family (well, some of them) around for this. Maybe PC – the administrator at church – had the right idea. They got married at Williams Pub on a Thursday night. Casual dress, Justice of the Peace, people that could come were there. P & D (her hubby) ordered a bunch of appetizers for the group and everyone bought their own beverages – and more food was available if people wanted it. Easy Peasy.

At the same time I’m thinking all these things, the phone rings and it’s G’s mom calling to see if he told me that she wanted to pay for the cake and wondering if “you considered appetizers or something else for people to eat” at the reception. Now, to her credit she clarified that she wanted to pay for all the food, not just the cake. But as I told G this morning, adding appetizers adds a level of complexity to the reception; you need people to serve or replenish platters, you need different and more dishes and clean-up is longer. Are they hot appetizers? Now you’re dealing with cooking. Cold? You need to deal with storage. Not that I would have to deal with all that, but someone would and it would increase the costs.

I guess I’m just at the over-whelmed stage just now.

One thing I can recommend is a site called wedsimple.com  A couple of friends have used it and the part I like the best is that it generates a ToDo list with appropriate due dates. So I know I’m fretting over things a little early. Helps a little bit to know that when I’m spinning with all this.

All this and transitioning out of Evil Corporate job (still no official date) means I’m piling Significant Life Change Stressors one upon the other. But knowing me, you wouldn’t expect anything less, would you?
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Grateful – End of January Edition 2009
narrowing it down 2008
thinking is hard work 2008
Investiture decision 2007
It’s almost Friday! 2007

January 25th, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Comments (10)