You know how satire can be funny because it holds (and hides) that really awkward and painful Grain of Truth?

This morning I read this on friend’s FB feed: Report: 10 Million Killed Annually By Stepping Out Of Comfort Zones

It’s at The Onion. And it’s predictably laugh-out-loud hilarious. Until I got to the last sentence:

“The report found that the safest individuals were those who surrendered to the soul-crushing monotony of habit and then convinced themselves that they had things pretty good.”

Ah! There’s the skewer! The pitard. The sling and the arrow. That damned Grain of Truth in your shoe.

I’ve spent at least the last month trying to “think outside the box” “open up my paradigm” and “be watchful for what God is doing in your life.”

I’ll pause so you can get your buzz-word gag reflex under control.

Better? Sorry about that. I’ll try to be better.

But really, I’ve been digging – hard.

Found out about that a bunch of Mission Developers (that’s official church-speak for ordained pastors – and I mean ORDAINED PASTORS-not any other kind of official rostered leader, thank you) partnering up with a trained organizer to facilitate starting new churches.

“Hey!” I thought. “I could do that! I’m a trained organizer and a trained musician. And I like collegial collaborative work arrangements! And I think we have something to different to add to the public perception of Christianity that maybe is what people need. I could partner with a mission developer and then the church would have social justice and advocacy from the beginning instead of trying to add it on later when everyone was all ‘we’ve never done it that way before.’”

Well… we don’t really do that partnership thing here. They might out in California or the Pacific NW, but not so much here in Minneapolis. They’re trying it in St. Paul? Huh.

I tried looking at my fall set-up (1 choir and a new corporate job) with fresh eyes.  Couldn’t this be a call? Could the congregation write a letter of call that expects me to work in the world and bring back both their needs and best practices from that experience? We call people to work in outside agencies all the time. How is this so different? You mean if I got exactly the same job at UHG – a nonprofit (although commonly known dysfunctional toxic workplace) it COULD be a call, but because it’s at a for-profit company you won’t?

Ok. How about this one? A neighboring church wants to start a Sunday evening contemplative prayer service and needs a leader/musician. That’s about 3-hours a week commitment.

“Can the two congregations write a combined letter of call that, with the 7-hours a week from the children’s choir getting me up to the required 10-hour minimum for a call?”

Probably not. Because they’re not a “combined parish.” But I’ll check the rule book.

Can I offer my HR Leadership Development expertise as a freelancer – or through the congregation? Offer leadership development classes for pastors and councils (things like Governance, Roles & Responsibilities, Performance management best practices, How to Do Action Planning and Problem Solving… that kind of thing.)

Oooh. We sure do need that but you can’t get a call as a contractor as a first call.

Maybe I should re-read “Catch-22.”

I told a pastor (church developer) friend yesterday it feels like I’m standing on the wrong side of the gate, looking through the bars and it’s locked. And it’s too high to climb over. And anyway it’s electrified.

And everyone on the other side of the fence just keeps telling me “don’t worry about it.”

And even though I’ve been standing here at the front of the line for years, the gatekeepers still look at me like they’ve never met me before and tell me I’m missing a form.

“The report found that the safest individuals were those who surrendered to the soul-crushing monotony of habit and then convinced themselves that they had things pretty good.”

You know. I do have it pretty good. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me like crazy and I love him like crazy. I have a choir again. I’ve got a job again (after only 5 months of unemployment!!!) that’s going to pay bills and keep groceries on the table. Probably a salary that will let me do some traveling, too.  My Norwegian forebears would be scandalized to learn that I want any more than that. I should be happy. I will be happy.

I wonder if a lobotomy is covered under my new health insurance.
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Rat.Race. 2009
And another thing 2008
For the record 2008
Saturday reflections 2007

August 25th, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Leave a comment

I know I should be counting my blessings today. And believe me, I am. But the listing will need to wait.

In the meantime, I humbly present a comparison and a question. Below are two presentations of a poem. One by the poet and another by a fan who memorized the poem. My questions are these:

1. Do the different interpretations, or performances make a difference in the meaning for you?
2. Which performance do you prefer? And why?

The Poet

The Fan

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Here, let me “should” on myself 2009
overachieving 2008

August 22nd, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Comments (2)

I know my usual day to list the things for which I’m grateful is Sunday, but yesterday was a little full. Here’s my list for this past week:

• I’m grateful that DS1 returned for his sophomore year at Iowa State and all the back story that statement includes.
• I’m grateful that the flood waters had receded and the city water is again safe to drink without boiling.
• I’m grateful that G drove down with me and that DS2 rode back with us.
• I’m grateful that G and X are behaving themselves….even if that means never having to talk about the elephant in the room. I guess if we can talk about the MN Twins and the Oakland A’s and Charley Finley that is enough.
• I’m grateful for the opportunity to take a week-long mini MBA for nonprofit organizations.
• I’m grateful for conversation with SB about my call, my job offer, my life, and where she sees God in all this.
• I’m grateful for an awesome sermon on lectionary texts that spoke directly into my life.
• I’m grateful for the abundance of two households so that we can supply DS1′s apartment and provide for International students’ apartments.
• I’m grateful that the weather has broken and it is no longer tropical dew points around the clock and unbearable heat.
• I’m grateful for looking through DS1′s pictures of his times at Holden to see him taking what he used to tease me for: “weird” pictures of interesting patterns in tree bark, rocks and flowers. And mountains. Along with lots of pics of his new friends from this summer.

OK. I have to be up again tomorrow at Oh-dark-thirty so I better wrap this up and get ready for bed.
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Grateful Pre-Empty Nest Edition 2009
The things I learned today 2008
I can’t do everything; maybe I can do something. 2008
flickr = love/hate 2007
Endorsement “conversation” 2007
“putting up” is much different than “putting out” 2006
Restaurant Review: The Village Pub, St. Anthony, MN 2006
I’m really not trying to do this…. 2006

August 16th, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Comments (1)

I’m late to the party here, but I’m just not ready to unpack all the rest of the stuff swirling around my brain-pan. So I think I’ll play along with RevGalBlogPal’s Friday Five.

1. What is the weather like where you live?

We have hit the “dog days” early this year. It is hot and humid. As in tropical humidity. You wouldn’t think a land-locked state could get into the 70′s for dew-points, but we do and we’ve been there for over 2 weeks now. Highs are in the 90′s during the day and it only cools down to the low 80′s at night. Walking outside you think that it must be a little like walking into a furnace. Most days you sweat just standing outside, never mind walking or working. It’s hard to keep ahead of the hydration at this level.

This year reminds me of one of my tween summers (so late 60′s early 70′s) where it would be hot as heck during the day and then rain. The difference this year is that the rain is torrential. Many places are flooding – in August! Even in the city! Roads are being washed out and we’re having power outages.

We are lucky that there has not been a lot of lives lost. Some cows the other night, but I don’t think too many people have been killed when these little creeks rise so fast. But it’s still discombobulating for me to see this kind of flooding at this time of year.

2. Share one thing you love about this time of year.

I love going down the streets and seeing the gardens in wild bloom. With the water we’ve had this year, the trees and plants are so green. It’s like the earth has extra life and it’s shining green everywhere. The weeds show the wild fecundity of the earth – making a tangled green mess of life of everything. And I like seeing that many of my neighbors are no better at keeping control of it than I am!

3. Share one thing you do NOT love about this time of year.

I don’t much like sweating. It’s one of the things that I hate about exercising. So when just standing outside makes me “glow” I’m not too happy. In fact, I’m a little cranky about the whole thing.

4. How will you spend the remaining days leading up to Autumn?

Next week, I’ll be in class all week (Mini MBA for Nonprofit Organizations through St. Thomas University.) The week after that I’ll be working hard to get these houses cleaned out and organized. Still transitioning G’s stuff into this house. And then on August 30 I’m back to work and DS2 is back to school!! I hope that I’ll be able to enjoy some cooler evenings but I suspect that the rest of “summer” will whizz past my head and I’ll be commuting in a wool coat before I can catch my breath.

5. Share a good summer memory.

I have so many! Traveling with my family, both as a kid and as a parent stand out as the highlights.

Bonus: What food says SUMMER to you?

Corn on the cob!!!
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

keeping up? taking care? Who are you kidding? 2008
It still leaks 2007

August 14th, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Leave a comment

I got a job offer today. Same salary as the Former Evil Corporate Job. Same basic work but no management responsibilities.

It might be a blessing. But too often we have this way of twisting that word “blessing” to mean that the Divine Presence likes me better than someone else. Which just isn’t true.

I’m also not 100% sure I count it as a blessing. I mean, I know there’s a lot of good things about it, but it’s not what I want. I suppose that means I’m acting like a spoiled brat. Maybe I am.

I’ll stick with lucky.

Most people would be excited and energized. I think part of what’s going on for me is that it is tempered by a version of “survivor’s guilt.” So many people I know — smart, qualified, eager-to-work unemployed people — would eat bees to be going off unemployment so quickly. I’m deeply sorry if this missive causes you pain or makes you angry. I totally understand.

I certainly am relieved as trying to live on Unemployment Insurance, even if supplemented by savings is a joke.

But it’s not the work I’ve been seeking. I don’t think that I can sell it as a call either as it is in the financial services industry.  At least it won’t prevent me from taking the 4th-6th grade choir.

A big part of me is just glad I’m not weeping about. First day is August 30.

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

I needed this laugh today 2009
Playing Catch-up 2008
New Design 2007
An Important Vote 2007

August 12th, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Comments (2)

Substituting “job” for “girl” and you’ve got the attitude I’m striving for today. Not that I’ve achieved it, or anything.

Sorry, Jesus. But if you can’t pony up a viable call opportunity pretty soon, I’m forced to take this corporate job. I know it’s wrong for me, but at least it’s here.

Some further (depressing) articles that lead me to this action here, here and here.  Doing my best to keep bitterness and cynicism at bay. Rock on, brothers and sisters.
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Saturday Photo Scavenger Hunt: Drive 2008

August 2nd, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Comments (3)

It has been a week where I have not focused much on what is right but noticed mostly what is wrong; with my life, the church and the world. In a perhaps vain attempt to save myself from negativity I want to list things for which I am grateful this week:

• G and those couple of friends to whom I can express my tantrums, frustrations and fears
• this place where I can vent (although I do worry a bit that it will be identified with me and all this “human-ness” expressed here will limit my opportunities to serve)
• that DS2 gets to go to Holden again — this time with his dad and a group from that church — and for a week.
• for unemployment insurance
• for networks and connections in the corporate world that give me options. maybe options I don’t want but still…options
• the yearning to spend the bulk of my waking hours doing something that not only makes the world a better place, but feeds my soul, creativity and makes me happy too
• the discontent with working a job that for me is the definition of living death
• the faith that allows me to be open and vigilant for hearing and seeing the Spirit’s guidance

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Grad party complete 2009
a mother’s love 2008
to vacation on one’s own 2007
National Night Out – for a soaking! 2006
Oh, it must suck to be you sometimes! 2006
shhh! It’s a secret! 2006
Energy Crisis 2006

August 1st, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Leave a comment

I gotta say, I feel like I’m getting mixed messages from you these days.

For the last seven years, I’ve been busting my hump; going back to seminary, getting a masters, doing all that “extra” stuff for getting rostered – like CPE and internship – all under the apparently misguided notion that you had something for me to do. SEVEN YEARS!!!! I’m not getting any younger here, dude. The amount of time to realize a return on this investment is diminishing. Fast. Even if I will have to work until I’m 87 before I can “retire.”

I thought what we have been talking about – repeatedly – was that I am T.I.R.E.D. of having two jobs. I’m exhausted. Knackered, as the kids say (somewhere.) I can’t take the plate-spinning fractured existence any more.

Not just emotionally and mentally tired of the bullshit but Physically.Used.Up. Was I mistaken when I thought the result of those conversations was that I didn’t have to “do it all?” Or weren’t you really listening?

Because I’m heading in to August and it looks waaaaay to much like August 1986, 87, 88…97, 98, …. 2001, 2002… etc. etc. You get the picture.
I have one children’s choir and now the possibility of a corporate training job. And not a manager or director training job, like where I left off. Pretty much at exactly the level I entered corporate training in 1997. Senior Training Consultant. For the record, I don’t need a Masters in Sacred Music or to be on the roster to do either one of those. Although, the chaplain training does come in handy now and again…

Not that being out of management is necessarily a bad thing – maybe I won’t have to work nights and weekends to get the design/writing done because I’ve spent the whole work day putting out hair fires related to direct reports and stakeholders. Yeah, right. Putting out hair fires is all part and parcel of the whole corporate gig.

But seriously. Was I making it up? Am I really supposed to be back here? And now with student loans? What the hell? How long am I supposed to keep looking for this supposed “call?”

Now listen, I’m not trying to say I think you’re my personal concierge or anything. I don’t think that’s how things work. I’m not asking for magic. Although I do joke around about getting a postcard from you once in a while, I totally accept the fact that I have to make some decisions and my decisions have consequences, yadda, yadda, yadda. And the world is how it is not how I want it to be blah, blah, blah. I’m just trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong here. Because clearly I’m thinking or choosing something wrong.

Something has to give. Either I’m in the wrong place, looking for the wrong thing or maybe it’s that the church is really so clergy-centric that they can’t figure out what to do with me. Or I scare them. (Which is the same kind of bullshit we heard around the whole life-partner thing. But whatever. That problem got solved.) Or…. what?

Seriously. What am I supposed to do? Tell this former training colleague that I don’t want this job? That I’d rather be on unemployment? Because we both know, even with G in the picture, that Unemployment Insurance isn’t enough to pay the mortgage and utilities around here. Never mind food or gas to get to the choir gig! You know, the wing-nut religious freaks keep saying that you’ll intervene directly. If they’re right, a person could get the idea that you want me in corporate. Where it sucks every scintilla of  joy out of my life. Is that what you want????

I’m rather pissed off that my choices seem to be:

1) work two jobs again so that I can take care of my family and serve the church or
2) don’t take the corporate job, be happier about life but everybody is hungry

It pisses me off. (have I mentioned that?) Especially when I thought I was going to get OPTION 3: Use all my gifts serving the world and people-in-or-out-of-the-parish-but-not-in-a-corporate-setting-and-maybe-having-to-live-on-less-but-being-able-to-concentrate-all-my-energies-in ONE DIRECTION!!!!!!!

To be honest, I thought what we’d talking about was a Music Director + General Ministry gig. With General Ministry focusing on social justice advocacy and building relationships between the church and the community.

I clearly must be missing something. Could you just send me a flicking* clue? Because I’m really not sure how much longer I can take this. Even with G standing by.

p.s. for my atheist/agnostic friends. Yes, I’m a “believer.” And I yell at God. That’s the kind of relationship we have. She/he can take it. Also, if it helps – or if you care – replace “God” with “Interconnected web of being” or “Universe.” Same thing. My word is shorter.

p.p.s. for by believer friends. Please don’t say anything resembling “God has a plan.” As far as I’m concerned it’s time to put up or shut up on that score. Let’s see it. Also, I don’t want to hear “All in God’s time” or any of it’s variants. With the psalmist, I’m yelling HOW LONG???

*Euphemism because of the advertisers. Not because I think God can’t take me swearing like a sailor at her/him/it. Even thought it’s only about $26 a quarter, I feel I shouldn’t cut off any revenue stream I’ve got right now. If you know what I mean.

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A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

The one where I return to the Evil Corporate Job 2009
Fatigue 2008
sunset 2007
pictures 2006

July 28th, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Comments (4)

This week I am grateful for many things. Here’s a partial list in no particular order:

• For the ability (physical and financial) to visit Holden Village and see my DS1 working
• For the chance to hang out with DS2
• For the chance for G and DS2 to hang out together on a “family” vacation setting
• That G and DS2 seem to be bonding a bit…even if it is over me and my occasional “mood”
• For the times when DS2 is chatty and funny and engaging and seems to like being with me
• That I’m able to hold my tongue when DS2 is grumpy and surly and sullen
• For CvH who is a champion dog and house sitter
• That the plumbing did not malfunction while CvH was watching the house
• That we have two toilets so I did not have to pay premium for an emergency plumber visit (he comes Monday between 8-10)
• For extended family with all their quirks and foibles and drama
• That I was able to spend time with my uncle and cousins as they buried their wife/mother (my aunt)
• That G decided to go with me to the funeral and not let me go alone while he went to his daughter-in-law’s sister’s wedding. Without me having to say anything to him.
• For the chance to show G one of my favorite places on earth (Holden Village and the Cascade mountains)
• For credit cards that are not maxed out (yet)
• For the check (from contracting work in June) that arrived yesterday (I can pay my mortgage another month!)
• For friends who listen when I bemoan the fact that I’ve lost my mojo about Instructional Design/Writing and offer suggestions for getting it back
• For other friends who are praying that I get called for an interview this week for this non-profit job
• For the children’s choir job I took at SAP (no, it’s not 10 hours a week so can’t be a minimal call…. but we’re talking)
• For deciding that as part of that job I should investigate writing a church appropriate class guitar method that could replace the one SH found and feeling rather excited about that as a project. SH couldn’t use it as is because the first page was a pledge the children were supposed to sign and date stating that they had “given their lives to Jesus.” So, yeah. Not exactly Lutheran. And also a little creepy IMHO. I just think we could have a set of lesson plans that teach guitar basics using Sunday School songs and other easily played faith-based songs that doesn’t include Decision Theology. But also can’t include any Janis Joplin (a favorite of beginning guitar method books.)

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

lazy vacation day 2007
Copper peak from Copper basin 2007
eeeewwwww 2006

July 25th, 2010 | Category: my crazy life | Comments (1)