Still Emotionally Absent
I talked with the boys today after school.
Me: I want you to know that Dad and I are going to get a divorce.
DS1: ok
DS2: [showing some sadness] oh.
Me: I hope that for you guys it won’t really be any different than it has been for the last year.
DS1: (silence)
DS2: hm
Me: If you have questions you can ask either me or Dad. Or, if you want to talk about it with someone else, you can talk with Mr or Mrs L, Mr or Mrs E, Mr or Mrs P or M&N.
DS1: ok
DS2: mm
Me: I’m hoping that you guys won’t need to be very involved in the process.
DS1: mm
DS2: (silence)
Me: T, you look sad. Do you want to ask me anything or say anything about how you’re feeling?
DS2: no. i dunno. just sad.
DS1: i’m good (he actually said that!)
When X arrived, he helped DS2 carve his pumpkin. I made dinner. And because I’m a caretaking enabler, I fed X too. Even though that meant I had to wait for the torellini because we had only a small amount of elbow noodles left. (note to self: check the pantry before grocery shopping – DUH!)
While he ate and I waited (the boys ate down stairs watching TV – I know. Bad parenting) It went like this:
Me: So, do you have any ideas about how you want to work out this agreement?
X: what do you mean?
Me: well, do you want to use a mediator, work it out ourselves or what?
X: i dunno. it doesn’t matter to me.(silence while I wait for him to say something else)
Me: saying ‘it doesn’t matter’ doesn’t help me know how you want to proceed with this.
X: well there’s some stuff in there that I don’t think is right.
Me: I know there’s some stuff she put in there that we didn’t talk about it. We need to go through the whole thing
X: well, I don’t want to take advantage of you. there’s some stuff I’m willing to give up for other stuff
Me: Ok. well, do you know if you want to go through this with a mediator or…?
X: well, I don’t really know. I mean I know what a mediator is, from talking to some people, but I don’t know what options are
Me: Ok. Well, for sure you should check it out. When do you think you can let me know?
X: i dunno(silence)
Me: um, do you have any check registers?
X: not a lot. I haven’t really spent anything on the house since i left (starting to get just the teeniest bit testy?)
Me: no I know. but if i enter them I can give you a list of your expenses over the past year or whatever
X: oh. well, i probably have a couple in the truck
Me: ok. well, if you could give them to me that would be great.
X: um, can I have a couple of checks so I can pay my parking or is it all spent already
Me: no, it’s not spent. I put a stop on all the e-payments because i didn’t know what was going on this month and what was going to be due when. I found out the line of credit isn’t going to be due until the 15th of the month.
X: well, i need gas too.
Me: sure. no problem. it’s not like i’m going to take all your money. can you write the parking check here so I can enter it? and then just take that checkpad and let me know what the amount for gas is.
X: can I sign it?
Me: yeah. I didn’t take your name off the account. I can’t without your signature.
X: I’ve got a counselor appointment tomorrow. can I write the copay check?
Me: yes. just let me know what checks you write so i can keep track
X: well, if i could just get some cash that would be good. I don’t need a lot. maybe 150?
Me: yeah, i can get you that. tomorrow, though, right?
X: yeah, or wednesday is fine too.
There was a bit of an exchange about the valuation of the house. He thinks it’s low because it is the same as the “market value” on the property tax statement. Also he thinks that it’s worth more now with the new boiler. I didn’t say anything about the appraisal I had done in September or the fact that the boiler was done after he left and I didn’t think he should profit from improvements he didn’t make. I just let it go…for now.
So here’s my observation. Even when faced with the cold hard fact of me asking for a divorce, he had NOTHING to say with any emotional content. Even this is not enough to reach through the emotional lock-down.
For about 45 minutes I was pissed about that. Then I realized that this is no different than the last 20+ years and therefore not surprising at all. It is completely predictable based on past behavior. How very sad. Although it seems I’m the only one that feels that way.
My bigger concern is the lack of emotional affect the boys showed. Are they really that detached already or did the casual way I told them set the tone? Or, are they confident that this has nothing to do with them and that both their parents love them and will keep them safe? Or do they not get it somehow?
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
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weak-end(s NOW) 2009
Weird Dreams #3 2008
I’m probably not doing it right 2007
Good space 2006
A final whine before bed 2005
Step 1 finished: He’s got the papers 2005
wasting time on Monday 2005
