Apparently, I can be read like a book
This last week has been orientation at the hospital for being a chaplain intern. It has been exhausting to sit for so long each day and listen to “orientation” type talking. How to log into a computer, blah, blah, blah. Charting, blah, blah, blah, blah. HIPPA, blah, blah, blah. On call procedures, unit assignments, preparing patient census reports for the on-call Catholic Priest or sacramental ministers.
All important information, all fairly complicated because of the nature of the merged hospital with its various systems on different unit and also information overload.
Part of what is involved is that we have to “share our stories” with the group (the seven of us interns and our supervisor.) Part of it is group forming/norming (the storming will come later, I’m sure) and part of it is important for the actual learning that will be going on over the semester.
I took my turn yesterday.
What I found surprising is that one of the follow-up questions went something like “I notice that throughout most of your story you are making decisions by yourself….”
Yes. Well, that would be one of the themes of my story, wouldn’t it. But actually, I didn’t think I was highlighting or focusing on that theme. The fact that I have had very little support from family or husband in major life transitions is what makes me so hungry for a strong support network/community now. And at the same time probably pretty damned poor at sharing decision making at least as far as it concerns myself.
That same evening, when I got home, YM had prepared dinner for us since the boys were with their dad. It was a “Japanese-business-person-in-Bankok-dinner:” Beer and snacks. mmmmmm!
While we talked I told her a little about telling that story. Her response also surprised me. It went something like: “Yes, Becky. When I was staying at your home on weekends that first year, I could tell. You had three boys. X never took part of parent or man or husband of the house. You had to do all. He never took charge. You had three boys.”
Wow.
And this from people who hardly know me. (or hardly knew me at the time.)
It makes me wonder why none of my friends who know me better, or knew us better when we were married, ever could tell me that.
LL, NJ, JE, PP. None of them ever said anything like that to me. Even when I was in distress and crying to them about one thing or another. And I went to them many many times over the years, not just towards the end.
None of them ever said “yes, I know it must be so hard to have to always be in charge and always have the responsbility of making the decisions because X won’t make any decision.”
And the thing is, it’s not like I didn’t want him to or didn’t let him. I was constantly asking, begging, pleading for something! Should I take this job or not? Should I change jobs or not? What should we have for dinner? Should we make this home improvement? Should we work on this project now, or wait? Should we mow the lawn this weekend or watch TV?
Always, the answer was the same. “Whatever you want.”
If I tried to play the game and not make a decision about something or not schedule a project it would be months or years before it ever got done. And in some cases it still hasn’t been done.
The boys’ club house is still only half built. The roof disaster of ‘03 is still not completely repaired (now because I have to wait until the divorce is final.)
All this is old news to me.
What’s amazing, is that other people could see it. Other people can hear it in the story.
Other people know that isn’t a partnership and wonder about it.
Other people can see how much pain it causes me.
Does that give me courage and hope that I CAN one day have that sort of equal partnership in a relationship? I don’t know if it does or not.
I know that I listen to their stories and hear the partnerships and grieve my loss.
But whether I’ll ever be able to have something like that?
Who knows.
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
-
Another year begins 2008
Try to remember 2007
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
-
Another year begins 2008
Try to remember 2007
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
-
Another year begins 2008
Try to remember 2007
December 30th, 2006 at 12:05 am
I was the opposite. I never got to make any decisions when I was with my kid’s father. It was awful. Now that I have been on my own for the last five years, I don’t know if I could ever go back to that. Hang in there. The best is yet to come.
Fri Sep 01, 08:24:00 PM 2006