Sometimes they don’t know what they’re talking about
I had a mid-term evaluation with my clinical supervisor and my CPE supervisor today.
Apparently, they are worried because this CPE stuff seems to be such a weight on me.
No shit?
Clinical Supervisor Gal wants me to figure out how to use my music in my visits.
I told her that it feels too risky to put that much of my core self into a visit. People are happy with the work I’m doing. I’m listening, they’re sharing deep stuff, I’m reflecting back with them, I’m praying when they want to pray, I’m charting, I’m doing all this stuff that many of the rest of the group are doing.
But they want more from me? Can we review here? I’m doing this in order to be a parish deaconess musician.
I realized through that conversation this morning one of the things that bugs me so much about this whole thing. First, there are so many people around me that are giving me pressure about “settling” for the lay-roster and ask me point blank why I don’t go back and do a Master of Divinity and get ordained. I’m not settling. I’m doing what I love.
The fact that I am smart, organized, can walk and chew gum at the same time, passionate and compassionate (ok, working on that still in some cases) doesn’t mean I have to do it all!
What I realized today is that imagining my Sunday mornings behind the altar instead of in the choir loft leading music gives me the same feeling in my gut that I had 2-3 years ago when I was trying to talk myself into staying in my marriage.
- Panic
- Soul-sucking despair
- Anger that I have to “do everything”, and
- An impending depression of epic proportions.
Now, to be fair, the marriage thing felt much much worse than the ordained thing. But it’s similar enough to not want to go there.
That being said, this CPE thing smacks toooo much of the ordained route and THAT is where my reluctance, my “weight, ” my “lack of joy in the visits,” stems from. I have to do this unit because it is a one-size-fits-all requirement for the lay-roster I’m trying to enter. They require it because of a historical connection to health care.
I intend to spend most of my career in the parish leading music and/or out “in the world” using music and my skills/passions for organizing and social justice to get the “church” to get off it’s collective ass and stand up for the poor/orphan/widow (as opposed to the oil-rich/connected/privileged) in a meaningful way that actually changes the world.
I suppose I could end up being characterized as the Lutheran “singing nun” but I’d rather be characterized as the Lutheran Joan Chittister. Of course, one who gets to date kilt-wearing, saxophone-playing, motorcycle-riding men.
Whatever.
The point is that I’m “dragging” my ass through this unit because I DON’T WANT TO DO THE PASTOR’S WORK.
Do your job.
Let me do my job.
Hold up your end of the stick and I’ll hold up my end of the stick and we’ll run the race. Don’t expect me to hold both ends of the stick even if I have the gifts to do it all!
Exact same issue as the marriage.
And, who are you, oh mighty CPE and clinical supervisors to tell me that I have to like this stuff? Why? Where is it written?
Why can’t I just get through it and regret that I didn’t try singing to my patients when I’m sitting in a rocking chair at the old Lutheran’s home in 30 or 40 years?
When it comes to having regrets, I’d much rather regret that in my old age than not getting laid ever again.
Gee. Hope nobody from the candidacy committee finds out about this. Might keep me out of this whole business and I’ll just have to muddle on like the other 98% of all church musicians…working our assess off without official sanction or acknowledgement from the church for the work we do.
I might not get a pension, but at least my frustration would only be financial.
Ok. I have to go to bed so I can get up tomorrow and attend a 6 hour hymnal workshop. Tell me again why I love my job?
Peace.
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A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
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A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
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A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
December 31st, 2006 at 4:19 pm
Hang in there. It’s always easy being the one on the outside looking in. It will be alright.
Sat Nov 11, 12:40:00 PM 2006