Still settling in « This Journey

Still settling in

I ended up working all day at the hospital yesterday, which is weird because what with being on-call on Thursday, I was expecting to be able to call in and say I was taking the morning off as comp time. But the only pages that came (aside from the large-print Bible emergency) were after 6:30 a.m. and I pawned them off on Friday’s on-call…who was already at the hospital because he was also doing pre-surgery visits.

But the best laid plans of lazy-ass musicians often go astray. While looking through the cardex of the new patients on the unit, I found that one woman was Native American and right on the admission forms requested a smudging.

Smudging is a native ritual involving an elder or medicine man/woman, smoke (from cedar, sage and tobacco, usually) and prayer. Given the fact that it is a spiritual healing ritual and equivalent to sacrament in that faith tradition, it is uber important that the hospital make it possible for this ritual to occur when someone requests it. It would be my job to coordinate the whole thing.

So, I began at rounds, finding out what I could about the patient’s medical condition. I talked with the patient. I talked with her nurse who checked with the doctor. We determined that the smudging could not take place in the room, because of the room-mate but also because, being on the cardiac floor, we couldn’t turn off the oxygen in the room.

So, after consulting with the on-call staff chaplain, I arranged for the chapel to be reserved and called evironmental services to turn off the smoke detectors in the room for the time of the smudging. (It’s sort of like incense, for those of you who have experienced that in worship…only even more smoke.)

The patient has a relationship with a prominent Native American in town and I contacted him to see if he could come and do this. He knew her and because of his relationship, suggested that I contact a different person, which I did. When I talked with him he was already on his way back home to get what he needed and come to the hospital.

I met him at the lobby and walked him to the elevators. While we walked he asked me what I did here.

Me: I’m a chaplain intern. I’m doing a unit of chaplaincy training for the Deaconesses of the Lutheran church.

Him: I attended a Lutheran boarding school when I was a kid.

(history lesson–in the early and mid 20th century, Native American children were forcably removed from their families and sent to boarding schools where they were forced to deny and abandon their culture, learn white-ways, Christianity, and endure physical and mental abuse at the hands of teachers and administrators in the name of “getting them to assimilate” into white culture.)

Me: I hope it was one of the good ones, although I don’t suppose any of them were really good.

Him: (pause) Well, it was better than some of the other ones I attended.

I hope in that little exchange he understood that I knew what he meant, and that, if I could I would apologize for the church and my culture for the racism and hatred that those boarding schools represented.

In the elevator I said to him:

Me: I need you to tell me where it would be best for me to be. I want to be, or not be wherever it is most appropriate for me.

So, we go to the patient’s room. The social worker is there going over a few things. The patient says “He can stay. I tell him everything.” I go out into the hall and wait. In a few minutes they are finished and I escort them to the elevators. On the way, we encounter the psych evaluation team (who were on their way to see her to do an assessment for additional treatments.) The patient determines that we will do the smudging first.

At the door to the chapel, I tape up a sign so that the ceremony is not interupted. I am invited into the room and asked to bring a chair.

He begins with what I would call a time of confession. He asked her and questioned her about what she had done. While she told him of the drug use and such she shed tears. He did not show pity, but did not show disdain either. He told her a story that would encourage her to continue on the path to health. He explained that this (ceremony) would not solve her problems. That the spirits were with her and supporting her but that she would have to do the work, and it was going to be hard work. He told her that her tears were not shameful, but her body’s way of washing the toxins out of her heart. That if those toxins stayed in, she wouldn’t be able to get better. He told her that she was loved. And he performed the smudging which looked a lot like “energy work” of cleansing or balancing the chakras. And he prayed over her. And they prayed together. At the end, she told him her name and what it meant. This is a powerful ritual where she was saying that she remembers who and whose she is and he claimed her as part of the people. He told her that she has lots of support “like this lady here” gesturing to me. He asked me if I wanted to say anything. I told her that it was true that she had to ask for the help but that she was surrounded by help her and that she was worth it.

What I said felt sort of lame but I meant it, so hopefully it helped.

When I finally got home, the boys were hungry. YM was at a party at her boss’s house and wouldn’t be in. I made some dinner and then the boys and I watched “School of Rock” for the umpteenth time (I really need to send those Netflix movies back!) Around 10, I took them over to their dad’s house.

Just as I was pulled back into my driveway, I got a text from SaxMan. For a brief moment I thought about going out, but then I thought, no. It’s 10 p.m. If he couldn’t call and arrange something before now I’m not going, even if I couldn’t have gone before this time anyway.

I did call him and left him a message. I went in the house and started cleaning up the kitchen. He actually called me back and we talked for a bit. He had gone to his daughter’s play and then gone to the Downtowner Woodfire Grill to hear the singer and was now headed home. He sounded tired, like he still had a little jet lag and he did say that he didn’t get in until about 2am on Wednesday, so he probably was.

I felt good after I hung up. And I felt a little irritated at myself that I can’t find that level of contentment without someone else.

This morning, on my walk around Lake Nokomis, I processed a bit. Here are the conclusions I’ve reached, although I have no idea what they add up to.

I feel a chemical reaction to this guy.
I also feel an emotional and mental connection to this guy.
We have a lot of things in common (music being one…he compared the singer to Holly Cole and I know who that is. I even have one or two of her CDs. Not many people know who Holly Cole is, in my experience.)
I feel like I’m doing all the work in this non-relationship as far as being the one that initiates more than a fair share of the phone-calls, emails and text messages.
Feeling like I’m running the non-relationship makes me frustrated and angry.
I don’t want to be frustrated or angry.
I completely own this reaction, therefore, I will not text, email or phone next.
I am unsure if he is being guarded or if I am expecting too much too soon than is reasonable to expect. We’ve had pretty open conversations about dating and expectations and such (initiated by him everytime.)
I am going to return on focusing on settling in to being alone and filling my free-time with things I like and need to do.

For instance, I’m meeting with a personal trainer on Monday to see if I can get some help/guidance on the losing of the final 30 pounds. I am going to try to start golf lessons in January. I need to find another part-time job in January. I should start getting serious about the CD project I have in mind.

All things that would make me busy, being with other people and not feeling sorry for myself when I’m sitting home alone on weekends when the boys are with X.

Of course, they also all represent “doing” over “being” which is a typical trap for me to avoid painful lonliness.

Ok. Enough self-reflection. I’m going to take a nap.

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Getting help 2008

Dominant Intelligence… wha??? 2007

Hooray for Z & A! 2006

House G.O.P. acts to protect Chief 2004

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Getting help 2008

Dominant Intelligence… wha??? 2007

Hooray for Z & A! 2006

House G.O.P. acts to protect Chief 2004