Turns out, the light at the end of the tunnel…
could actually be a train.
Laurie has a wonderful post today that expresses my feelings so well.
From giving up on telling people about the bad days to acknowledging that just because there are many things to be thankful for, you can still want love in your life. Still feel so utterly lonely even surrounded by friends. Her metaphor of dying of thirst not being solved by visiting the city aquarium is perfect.
My visit today with my counselor confirmed that I have my rational head on straight, that I know in my head that my grief over my divorce AND my grief over the loss of my good friends, that my lack of a good girl-friend cannot be solved, filled or helped by getting involved with a man. That the reason to date is not to find a man to fix my light-switches or shovel snow but to make new friends and have fun. That I need to find a circle of friends before I “partner up.”
It’s all fine and dandy to “know” this. But let’s be real. I feel differently. I feel alone. And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of grieving and I’m tired of not having someone in my life that knows the whole me. The good, bad and ugly. The sacred and the profane. The strong and the weak parts.
And I’m tired that my rational self knows that I’m not in a place where that space should be filled yet.
This is my third Christmas really alone. Alone so that the whole world can tell. Not the kind of alone I was for most of my 20 year marriage. That was the kind of alone where no one really knows (or believes) how alone you are. This is the kind where they do know…and yet nothing is really different.
For Laurie, today is the one year anniversary of her divorce being final.
I have that yet to come.
I was so proud of myself to have made it through the 2 year process. So proud that I got through it. Came out on the other side. I don’t know if I can even entertain the idea that I have more of this to endure.
And that seems like arrogance. What could make me think that just because I am now “official” that I could have what I want for Christmas?
What makes me think I can ever have it?
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
-
audio test 2007
seriously 2007
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
-
audio test 2007
seriously 2007
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
-
audio test 2007
seriously 2007
December 31st, 2006 at 6:00 pm
You are such a strong person. You may feel alone, but you really do have so much. Too bad you don’t live closer. It would be fun to go out.
Thu Dec 07, 05:14:00 PM 2006
December 31st, 2006 at 6:00 pm
It would be great to hang out with you!
Thu Dec 07, 10:33:00 PM 2006
December 31st, 2006 at 6:01 pm
You’ve said it so well. May 2007 be the best.
Fri Dec 08, 09:17:00 AM 2006
January 1st, 2007 at 2:51 pm
I found that I have no good girl friends. No one that I would feel comfortable to call to just say “hey, come over for a drink” or something like that. It is really hard. I have connected with a man who is gay who lives down the road and we have dinner at my place on occasion. Other than that, it is me alone, with my girls and some acquaintances and my Chef boyfriend. I think although I feel I lack some friends, since i lost all from when I was married, I don’t have time for cultivating really good friendships at the moment and that is okay for now. But there are times I miss it. I hear ya.