Well, I guess that’s done
I haven’t actually sent the email below. I’m thinking about it though.
edit: it occurred to me that this email is quintessentially “female-pattern-communication.” What would the male-pattern-communication equivalent be? “WTF?” or “Was’up?” Something else?
It’s been a while since you’ve been back from Orlando. The gauntlet of the manufactured over-commercialized holiday is past. I can think of three or four reasons for why I haven’t heard from you.
1) There was a deepening of emotional (and physical?) intimacy the last time we were together. This is alarming to you and because of male-pattern-communication-syndrome, you think just not saying anything about it is a good way to “deal” with it. Or let things “cool down.” Or something like that.
2) Things are heating back up with K II. She called you at least twice (roller-skating and theater) and she’s let you know that she’s ready for whatever next step she wasn’t ready for before. You had deep feelings for her and realize that those feelings are either returning or never really died. You are uncomfortable having any sort of conversation with me about it and because of male-pattern-communication-syndrome, think that not saying anything is a good enough way to let me know that you would like to explore this relationship with K II.
3) Despite your repeated assertions that I am someone that you could see developing a relationship with, something happened that evening to change your mind/feelings drastically. Rather than, in the spirit of kindness or friendship, letting me know what it was and why it is a deal-breaker for you, male-pattern-communication-syndrome makes you think it best to not say anything about it. Ever. Again. Except probably to your buddies.
4) You were abducted by aliens while in Orlando and they sucked all your memories out of your head and replaced them with reruns of “Northern Exposure.”
This emotional wall building is not unknown to me. It’s exactly what X used to do. At least this time it’s easier to take because I can’t actually “see” the metal gates closing down as you retreat behind your walls alone. No. Actually that’s a lie. If it’s easier, it’s only because there was less time invested in whatever it was and because I don’t have to see it day in and day out.
The bruise on my arm* is almost gone. The bruise on my heart might take a little more time.
Probably one of those letters therapists say to write but never send.
*I got a bruise on my arm when I lost my footing in the parking lot. When he grabbed my arm to steady me, it left a thumb sized bruise.
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A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
