It’s been a week of self growth. Yippee.

Tuesday I got an email from X “reminding” me that it was his turn to have DS1 for this birthday this year and “could DS2 come along?” DS1 will be 16 on Saturday. I feel stupid for not being prepared. I feel betrayed (by myself) for not remembering that the kids’ birthdays were divvied up in the decree and I am deeply disappointed that I have been playing “goalie” with this day in order to keep it free for whatever DS1 wants to do for his big day and now was going to be left alone.

In an effort to take care of myself, I negotiated told X that I would bring DS1 over to his house at noon and would pick him up at 7 because we were going to go to dinner at a fancy Vietnamese restaurant. I invited X to come along…since he is the dad.

And I took another huge risk. I emailed McKilt and explained the situation and asked if we could plan some outing for the afternoon “in order to get out of the house and out of myself.” What I told AH was that I really don’t feel like another bottle of merlot washed Diane Lane film festival. We’re starting with a round of golf. Probably a bite to eat and conversation afterward.

But between reading the email and making the plans, I found myself crying the way I was crying a year ago. Suddenly realizing my face was wet, deep soul-racking sobs, a heaviness in my core. All familiar feelings. And ones I thought I was done with.

And today was my agitation table. “Good work” according to KO, but that also means they were on the mark and there were tears and surprising things coming out of my mouth and uncomfortable realizations. Like I don’t know, yet, who I can trust. Like I’m acting timidly because I don’t trust myself to live into this call to organizing. Like the soul shaking terror of losing my identity if the center is not music. What if what I thought was my center is more peripheral? Is only perpheral? That part gives me vertigo.

And then there was the opportunity to talk with KN about the reference I made about the divorce. He was trying to be pastoral. And he was. But it was the first time I’ve said out-loud to a real-life person what I’ve said here. That I’m tired of having to be in charge of everything, even though I’m perfectly capable of taking care of everything. That I wish I had someone to talk things over with. Things like how much money I should give to which causes. Things like the need for a security system. Things like what I want my life to be like. And he said “You’re lonely…” And hearing those words, spoken with compassion, didn’t make it feel better.

And how does that “trust issue” play out in other areas? I’m grieving because I let myself get close with these people at the interim job and now I have to start saying goodbye. And I want to hold on somehow because I don’t trust that I’ll ever work at a place like this again. And with McKilt? Am I being timid and not asking for what I need want because I don’t trust that he (or anyone) would be willing to step up?

And instead of using this beautiful evening to walk and enjoy creation, I laid on the couch and cried.
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…No other posts on this day.

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…No other posts on this day.

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…No other posts on this day.

Posted on May 10th, 2007 under ISAIAH, divorce, exercise. RSS 2.0 feed. Leave a response, or trackback.