I think I need to say “No.”
What do you think?
The boys and I have been having this melt-down discussion for a week now. They (especially DS1) use the joint like a hotel. They come in, eat, change clothes, shower (DS1 more than DS2 but hey, that’s the difference between 16 and 14) and just expect that stuff is going to be taken care of. That edible food will be prepared or available at appropriate times. That heat, light and water will be available. That clothes will be cleaned and the dog fed, even if they “forget.”
And we’ve been having this big come to jebus conversation about it all week. Me mostly, admittedly a little more emotional about the conversation than they are. Yesterday, we had the Surprise! information about DS1’s all afternoon training for Link Team. I’m proud of him being on Link Team. It’s an honor and a privilege and speaks to the kind of person he is: one who helps others (Link Team is upper class mentors of freshmen.)
So last night we’re not home 15 minutes from the soccer game. I’m cooking dinner and DS1 comes in in tears. “I hate this” he says. I think he’s talking about the conflict between us. “I hate it too” I say. He starts to say something and stops. I encourage him. “I want to ask something but I don’t dare.” I encourage him again. “Some people are going to the movies and I don’t dare ask you.”
Of course you can go. I’m disappointed because I never get to see you, but you’re a teenager and that is what you are supposed to be doing: Spending time with your friends. Go! Can you at least stay for dinner? He says “yes” but comes back 10 minutes later and says “No, they want to make a 7:00 show.” So he goes.
“Please clean up your book-bag and soccer bag mess in the entry way when you get home.”
“OK”
Which of course he didn’t. Because he “forgot.”
So this morning, I call him on my way home from rehearsal at 11:40 to wake him up. So he can get showered and ready for his friend DL to take him over to the high school. I get home around noon. Only just in the shower. Mess still in the front room.
He comes out of the shower and I tell him that DL has called and will pick him up around 12:30, but please “pick up your stuff in the entry way before you go.” He does it. Sort of. At least he took his stinky soccer clothes downstairs and started a load of reds.
Then he comes up and says “Uh, Mom? What are we doing tonight?”
“We’re cleaning up the house because we’re having company here tomorrow night. Why?”
“Well, B has tickets to the Twins game tonight and I was wondering if I could go.”
This means he’ll basically come home from the Link training (which ends at 5:00) in time to, what? stand around looking at stuff for 20 minutes before he gets picked up for the game. If he comes home at all.
The fact of the matter is that I’ll probably have everything done by 6:00 and he’d just spend the evening pouting upstairs anyway.
But seriously. At what point do I say “No, I’m sorry. You have some commitments to this family and you’ll have to miss the game.”
This all boils down to me not feeling that I’m worth his time. That I’m worth the conflict that will arise. Maybe even that I don’t want him to hate me. I see myself falling into the martyr trap and it’s like being sucked into a black hole. I don’t want to be like that. I want him to go and be with his friends. But when he’s always gone I get resentful. So to prevent myself from being resentful, do I deny him some social time? Not all of it of course, but some? And then the question of Which Events do I say no to? And is this punishment? If so, who is being punished? And punishment for what?
This single parenting shit is hard.
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
-
Monday’s checklist 2008
only down to 36 this morning 2007
I don’t know if this is going to work 2006
quick, quick, quick 2006
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
-
Monday’s checklist 2008
only down to 36 this morning 2007
I don’t know if this is going to work 2006
quick, quick, quick 2006
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
September 15th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
tell me about it. I think I am going to drown myself in my bathtub tonight (not really, but feel like it)
September 15th, 2007 at 8:15 pm
I would be happy to sing a few bars of “The Cat’s in the Cradle” with you. Our kids are almost the same ages.
Today Coadster finally said she was going to stay home all day on Sunday to do homework and chores. I came close to falling over in my chair. We’ll see if it actually happens.
September 16th, 2007 at 9:27 am
Parenting sucks, single or not, with that age. It’s no picnic when you have a spouse you’re at odds with on most things, either, as I know you know (that’s my boat, right now). Anyway, I have the exact same conflicts constantly with my 15-year-old, and hatehatehate them. One of my mantras is, “In 10 years we’ll both laugh ruefully about this time.” Of course I’m also secretly hoping that she’ll think Mom Was Right All Along. Hang in there.