from NFH: 

Thanks 

for asking for what you needed
for asking if I was in the mood to hear it
for sharing what was bothering you yesterday
for considering my perspective
for asking about how I was doing
for listening to my little vent….even though I’m a little rusty at sharing
for giving perspective on my sister’s behavior. (I said I knew it, but after our conversation realized that I didn’t really. Your seeing it and naming it made a difference.)

It was an important conversation last night.

reply: 

No, thank you.  I know that I have lived with what I call a master
manipulator for 14 years, but I am still coming to terms with how to deal
with one.  I appreciate being able to talk it out and seeing another
perspective of it, because it helps me get beyond my own paranoia and
defense systems that have developed over those 14 years.  Some of the latter
are not very effective and can be, in fact, counter-productive to an
effective resolution of the situation that meets my satisfaction and needs.
I don’t need to “do battle”, but I do need to state and establish my
positions without “doing battle’.  …

It seems to me that what your sister did was passive-aggressive.  A subtle
omission is very effective that way.

from NFH: 

Wow.
It’s funny the things you learn about yourself from other people.

Reading just these two sentences seemed to lift an enormous weight off me. And I realized that I was afraid of sharing even a little bit of how my family dynamic can be. Furthermore, I think I’m afraid like that when I meet people who seem to have such a warm and strong relationship with their parents and siblings. Because I don’t. And sometimes, I’m ashamed of that, taking on more responsibility than is mine for the rockiness of those relationships. Afraid that others will learn of it and wonder to themselves how crazy I am and how “safe” it will be to be in a relationship with me if my parents and siblings are like this (and believe me. there’s more.)

But it was like a relief to read this. That you could recognize and name it…even more clearly than I do myself — especially in the moment. Rather than an “Well, don’t worry about” or “Why are you getting so upset?” you simply helped me name WHY I might be feeling so upset. What an unusual gift.

Does any of that make sense?

 *******************

The fact that that email exchange (and preceeding conversation) was with Mr. Hockey is probably not a surprise to anyone but me. I’ve known plenty of men who are able to have that kind of conversation. It’s just never been a man with whom I’ve been romantically involved.

Maybe it’s about time?

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

just another manic monday 2006

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

just another manic monday 2006

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

just another manic monday 2006

Posted on September 18th, 2007 under my crazy life. RSS 2.0 feed. Leave a response, or trackback.