It’s the little things
They’re easy to miss. Even easier to dismiss. But those “little things” that friends do, that lovers do, tell you more about what they’re thinking and feeling than even their words.
Sometimes that’s true because we’re not even aware of what we’re feeling. Sometimes our actions speak over our denial of what we’re feeling (or what we’re not feeling.)
And yet, it’s not actions alone that can carry the day. It’s a combination of actions and words and something that maybe can’t be quantified: attitude. (Probably all my sociologist friends would argue that attitude can actually be quantified, but I’m pretty sure it would require a study and statistics and way too much thinking.)
Ambivalence is betrayed by our actions and so is passion.
If I say “Yes, I’ll do something” but then it takes me forever to get it done, that sends a message. On the other hand, if I say “Yes, I’ll do something” and then work for hours over several days in order to do a “little kindness” that says something different.But there’s still something missing in the equation. Something about the recipient of the actions.
For instance, X used to do “little” things around the house that in several conversations he would bring up as evidence that he loved me. For example: “I loaded the dishwasher and started it. Doesn’t that mean anything?” But as the recipient, I didn’t think it meant as much as a couple of things I really wanted him to do: initiate and lead intimate moments and share our true financial picture with me. Among other things I wanted more than not having to load and run the dishwasher.
Now, the next bit is completely wrong and inappropriate, but if one can’t be wrong and inappropriate in one’s own little corner of the blogosphere where/when can one?
In contrast, Mr. Hockey’s picking up on my unspoken (which was unfair, I should have/could have been direct) hope for return of our email dialog seems to me to be at once a “little” thing and a grand gesture. It’s a little thing to say you’ll do it. And even to begin. It’s quite another to spend almost three whole days clicking “forward” from your sent web-mail folder. Almost 1500 times.
Yes, you read that correctly.
1500. I told you he was a great email flirt! And that doesn’t include most of my responses. Seriously, my folder with the saved mail had about 2500+ on the count when it was blown away.
Or Mr. Hockey going to La Boheme last night. An opera. The second opera he’s been to in his life. And 35 years after the first one. (I’m just saying, there’s a reason I don’t call him Mr. Opera around here, OK?)
X is a sports guy too. The kind of sports guy who couldn’t hear you the last 10 minutes of the 10:00 news. Or Sunday afternoon when “the game” was on. And X went to some of my shows, until I saw that he was sleeping through them and stopped offering him the comp tickets.So, I notice when Mr. Hockey isn’t sleeping in his seat last night. And actually made comments about the show that indicated he was paying attention and processing. Using critical thinking skills and all.
I have no idea if that had anything at all to do with what he thinks of me. It’s just nice to notice. And makes me feel better about pulling out the sports knowledge I gleaned over 25 years with X and putting it to good use in conversation and activities with Mr. Hockey. Afterall, if he’s willing to put forth the effort, so can I.
Reciprocity and all, you know?
Probably, these little things that I’m appreciating with Mr. Hockey are magnified by the swirl of infatuation and all. In some ways, I don’t care. A person who wants to be my friend has done several small but very nice things for me this week along the way and I’m glad I noticed.
It’s these little road-side bursts of beauty that make the journey bearable.And now for something completely different go HERE and take a look at shopping 30 years ago. And don’t be drinking coffee when you do. Because it really hurts when you snort it out your nose laughing. Makes a lot of sense that I don’t like shopping now, if that’s what I had to deal with through my teen years, doesn’t it?
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A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
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All Souls 2009 2009
Grateful #21 2008
November 2nd, 2007 at 3:03 pm
It sounds like things are better between you two. I’m glad to hear it.
My brother sent me that thing about the 70’s fashions in an email. Ilaughed all the way through.
November 2nd, 2007 at 4:29 pm
This is a reciprocity visit, to repay your encouragement for my first NaBloPoMo post. I like your style; you have a way with words that far too many lack these days. It’s refreshing to read a well-composed story, with paragraphs and commas and all of those things we learned in grade school but aren’t taught so much these days. Thanks for visiting my blog, and feel free to drop by again some time!
November 8th, 2007 at 10:24 am
[...] Re-reading all those emails (going all the way back to the beginning of June) where you clearly are head over heels and then the ones where you imply either directly (two weeks ago) or indirectly (this week) that I’m overreaching in my understanding of this relationship. [...]