This keeps coming up lately so it must be something I’m supposed to pay attention to.

I saw my therapist yesterday. First time in over a year. Not because I didn’t want (or need) to go in but because of financial reasons. Blah Blah Blah.

Not the point here. Can I focus, please?

OK. So aside from playing “Let’s see if I can catch you up on a whole year in a little less than half an hour” so that I would have half a chance of squeezing some information out of the guy, it was a good visit.

I surprised myself by discovering through the conversation that I still think of my divorce as some sort of “failure.” Even if not a failure on just my part/responsibility, still a failure. And I was proud of myself that I didn’t feel compelled to spill every last detail of my relationship with Mr. Hockey as soon as I walked through the door.

I went in there with a couple of specific questions. And left with one assignment, (but not one I would have guessed beforehand) and a guideline that borders on advice (but hey, I’ve known him for almost ten years now.) (That noise you just heard was Neil falling off his chair at the thought of ten years of therapy. It wasn’t continuous, honey. Breathe.)

I made the appointment over a month ago after a particularly annoying ISAIAH meeting where I was asked to reflect on why I thought that I couldn’t ask people to do things for me just because they liked me. Also, this particular meeting was full of “How are you going to use your support circles when it gets to the tough part of community organizing.” You know, the part where people disagree with you and refuse to follow your lead. Even though they like you.

And at the time I realized that I was upset because I don’t yet trust my support circles to be there when I need to vent or need to be told “It’s OK. Sometimes people won’t agree. You can’t please everyone. You’re still a good person trying to do good things.”

Mr. Counselor confirmed that I am “unused” to leaning. (ya think?)

The idea that “The Trust Thing” is a central issue isn’t a surprise. And I get that the only way to get used to trusting people to “be there” is to do it. Which at the time seemed a perfectly reasonable thing to say but now, as I type it, makes me want to throw something across the room. I mean it smacks a little of the advice I got from a neurologist about reducing my migraines just letting “it roll off your back like water off a duck.”

Which is a short putt to “Don’t let it bother you.” Which translates and mutates in my head into “You’re feelings are wrong. Again.”

OK. “Fake it until you make it” in the trust department isn’t exactly like that. But it irritates me anyway.

But again. The “Fake it until you make it” assignment wasn’t the one that surprised me. In fact, in good theraputic fashion, I came up with that one myself.

The one that set me back was “Practice enjoying that your life is good now.”

And my life IS good. I have a good paying job that provides benefits. I have healthy smart-alecky children. I have developed friendships that are public and private friendships. I’ve returned to dating and that has not caused a massive shift in the space-time continuum. Nor have I made a complete fool of myself with it…mostly. In fact, I think I’m developing a relationship there as well. My internship has been approved and funded (found that out on Sunday) and I seem to be avoiding the seasonal depression by the new lightbox.

When I described all this to him, of course he asked the Patented Therapy Question (taught on the first day, I think) “How does that make you feel?” (alt. “How do you feel about that?”)

And my answer was “I’m looking around for the shoe that’s going to come and kick me in the a$$.” (in other words, I’m expecting it to all to go to hell at any moment.)

I don’t trust it. How could it possibly be MY life if it’s good? And realizing that that was my thought pattern sort of pisses me off. Because it smacks way way WAY to much of my mom, who has to have negative drama surrounding her. And if it’s not there she’ll create it.

Would I (could I, DO I) do the same thing!??!? Do I consciously or subconsciously sabotage my life when it’s going well? The thought makes me nauseous.

So I got the assignment to practice enjoying the good in my life. And to practice trusting it.

Oy.

The guideline was around introducing the kids to the fact that I’m dating…and eventually to someone that I am dating. Guideline was “take small steps” and “start with talking with them about the concept” and move gradually to meeting the person. I outlined the two “ditches” of the deal correctly: one side being introducing every first date and the other being not introducing someone until it goes something like “Hey kids, I want you to meet [name], we’re getting married next week.” (which is how my friend’s X husband did it with her kids. Nice, huh?)

The advice was you don’t need to be too cautious. The boys are of an age where they’re not going to care too much because they’re more concerned with their own social lives. And you’ve been separated for three years now. The most common mistake is starting too soon and introducing the kids to someone during the separation or a few months after the divorce.

Also, he strongly challenged my thinking on the divorce being a “failure.” I asked him what he would call it then and he said “I’d call it life.” (At which point I started crying. Hey. If BCBS is going to get their money’s worth out of the appointment I get to use some kleenex.) And then he asked me to consider that the only “mistake” I made was choosing someone who wasn’t a good match for me. That it was a logical choice to have made at the time, given everything, but ultimately not a “good” match.

And that I should try to learn from that mistake.

And that is a mouthful. Don’t you think?

Comment Lurve Assignment: Share 1 thing that is good great in your life right now.
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

crazy friday: fail 2009
Boxed in 2008
Sunny self-care Sunday 2006

November 6th, 2007 | Category: Mental Health, dating, divorce | Subscribe to comments | Leave a comment | Trackback URL