I wonder if I’ve achieved some sort of spiritual achievement.

Or maybe I’m moving into a depression. (I wonder if there’s a difference?)

Mr. Hockey and I had a good discussion Sunday afternoon after the festival concert. One of the best of “those kinds” of conversations I’ve ever had.

I’m not euphoric. I’m not hopeless. I’m just rather dispassionate about the whole thing. I was dispassionate through the whole thing (which, was a little a little new for me. Just saying.) And now I’m feeling like it’s a “wait and see” situation.

Frankly, it seems like the holidays are going to be a little dicey for this thing anyway. It doesn’t look like we’ll have any time together now until after Thanksgiving. That poses enough of a challenge, as far as I’m concerned.

Here’s what I’m the most proud of.

As much as I want this to work, (and believe me, I do want this to work) I’m not at all worried about what happens if it doesn’t. I have no concern about whether I’ll be OK, no matter what happens. I do think it will be a while before I’ll have the emotional energy to try again, but I’m confident that I will. I’m confident that if this doesn’t work, something better is around the corner. (And I’m pretty certain that Mr. Hockey will have missed a great opportunity.) I’ll grieve, but not the kind of grief I had to process before (which of course is a big “duh!” since I was married 22 years and Mr. Hockey have only been dating since June. but still. It’s important to notice and articulate it.)

This is a large step forward.

But please don’t mistake this confidence of “being OK no matter what” with lack of interest, or ambivalence. If I was ambivalent or lacked interest, I would have simply called it quits. I think this is worth the work of the conversation. Of listening. Of considering each others’ point of view. The work of trying to come to an understanding.

And it seems, by his behavior, that Mr. Hockey thinks so too. (so that’s a good thing.)

One thing I am learning quite clearly is that while I’m capable and sufficient in and of myself, I want a primary relationship that is grounded and solid and on which I can trust and rely. A jumping off point for going out into the wide world. Someone who will give a sh*t when the world beats me up. And who will cheer when I succeed. And will do that openly and proudly.

I think I expressed that clearly. I think I expressed clearly that I didn’t want to be “a secret girlfriend” (very scary when I read Churlita’s comment on yesterday’s post!) I expressed clearly the value I place in seeing him interacting with other people in his life…how a person learns more about their partner from how they interact with friends and family members. That it’s an important part of getting to know the ‘whole’ person.

He clearly expressed his takes on those things.

And we agreed to consider each others’ POV.

To his credit, he began to offer ways, short of hanging out with his children, that I could meet other people in his life. We didn’t set any plans (see the above comment about not having time together again until after Thanksgiving) but I feel like he heard me and is willing to move toward what I said I needed. It looks like he’s trying. (Which, maybe I should be euphoric about. Since, when I consider it, was not a common occurance in my marriage.)

So, I’ll wait and see.

Am I delusional?
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

corporate chaplain 2009
Wednesday is a really busy day, OK? 2008
the random-ness of blog tracking 2006

November 12th, 2007 | Category: Mental Health, big questions, dating | Subscribe to comments | Leave a comment | Trackback URL