translation, please?
I interpret the following to mean: hang in there. It’s still good. What do you think?
*************
Background: I still haven’t met Mr. Hockey’s children. (He has met mine.) His children are 13 (girl) and 10 (boy.) We talked about this seriously in November. Last week I suggested that I could go to one of his son’s hockey games (not a meet ‘n greet, just be in the stands.) At first the reaction was positive. Then two days later, he changed his mind. There was then this email exchange.
From me at 2:30 a.m.
I’m trying
to understand.
but I feel sad that you still are keeping me secret
and I feel like you don’t trust me somehow…that you think that knowing about me (not even knowing me, just about my existence) would hurt them
and I feel sad that I don’t know what I can do (or stop doing) that would make me worthy to be known
but I’m trying to understand
I care for you deeply and want you to be happy
From him, the next morning:
I could tell last night’s conversatin on the telephone that all is not well and that you feel hurt. I am sorry about that. It seems that I am on a slower track in certain respects than you are. I will briefly try to explain where I am coming from.
1. This isn’t about you. I value who you are and what you are and represent to me, and that is why I enjoy being with you and doing things with you. You have not hurt me.
2. You are not a secret. I have a tin of peanut brickle on my living room table that says it is to the Hockey Family from NFH. Son has asked who NFH is, and I have said that she is a very good friend. He likes your peanut brickle. Daughter has not asked anything, but she has said in the past that I need a girlfriend. This isn’t necessarily about my children.
3. It is about me. I have trust issues with women in general, not with you specifically. It would be the same with any other woman on the planet. Now I don’t think that you are just “any other woman on the planet”. As I say, I value who you are and what you are and represent to me, and that is why I enjoy being with you and doing things with you. However, it is still going to take time for me to work through things. But I don’t have a schedule or an agenda, and I won’t be rushed. If I feel “rushed”, I seem to automatically pull back. It’s almost an auto-pilot kind of reaction. I am also very protective of my children, and if there is a situation that I am unsure of, then I will protect my children from it rather than risking any harm to them whatsoever. I need time. Rome wasn’t built overnight or in a day, but over time. It was torn down relatively quickly at a terrible cost. I am unsure about walking, much less running, into another city, so I walk slowly.
(This is the email that prompted this post.)
Last weekend’s dates (hockey game on Friday and Guthrie on Saturday) were very fun and we had a wonderful time together. We did not specifically talk about this. But, watching behavior and conversation and trying to read between the lines I felt good about where we were/are…even though I still don’t completely understand what he is afraid of. But maybe I don’t need to?
Anyway, then there was this email exchange. From me:
Thanks for a wonderful weekend.
I needed that.
All of it.
From the passionate kiss on the sidewalk Friday night to breakfast this morning.
Hope you enjoyed yourself too. (I think you did!
)
And his reply:
About that “passionate kiss on the sidewalk Friday night”, I just wanted to make sure that there was no misunderstanding, Sweetie. I wanted you to know that I want you as my Sweetie, that I crave your little body as well as what is between yoiur ears, and that I am fascinated by what you do to me. Noone has ever done what you do to me, in many ways. I just wanted to make sure that you knew this and that you knew that I appreciate you and that I want you very much. I felt that the earlier that you knew this on Friday the better, so I grabbed you and planted a big one. I wanted you to know who your man is.
This is the kind of thing that makes my stomach do flip-flops like on a roller-coaster, a goofy grin appear on my face and I tell myself that it’s OK to take this meeting the family thing at his more-than-cautious speed.
See, the thing is, I don’t know what I’m in a big rush about either, when it comes down to it. It’s not like I have a schedule to keep or an agenda either. In fact, I’m pretty sure I DON’T want to be married again. And if I did, I’m certainly not convinced that Mr. Hockey would be a good choice for that. (I’m not convince he wouldn’t be either. Just saying.) I would, however, like to have a relationship that I can depend on and not have to interpret and be hyper-vigilant about.
But the hyper-vigilance is my baggage, right? There’s nothing in here that objectively raises a red flag. Except not letting me even see his children after 7 months of dating. Right?
The question is: Is that too much to put up with?
And I don’t want the usual “only you can tell” reply. I put up with some stuff for 20 years in a marriage that the average person would have walked out about after six months. I can’t trust my “That’s too much” detector. It’s not calibrated correctly.
Oh interwebs, spew forth your wisdom, wouldn’t you?
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
-
Monday-Wednesday cont. 2007
Monday-Wednesday 2007
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
-
Monday-Wednesday cont. 2007
Monday-Wednesday 2007
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
-
Monday-Wednesday cont. 2007
Monday-Wednesday 2007
January 17th, 2008 at 12:36 am
I may not be the best person to give advice here. I don’t know when to say when either. I also don’t know what you have when you’re together. He seems to be sending mixed messages a little. He seems to REALLY trust you in that last email.
I guess it depends on what you want. If you think you can live with the baby steps - as long as you aren’t walking backwards, then stick it out a little longer.
January 17th, 2008 at 5:15 am
It sounds like he has been torched in his past and it might have effected his kids quite a bit. In this case he is being a protective father. I had a similar situation with a girl I dated where she would not let anybody she dated meet her kids for at least 6 months.
He does have the “on the fence” guy thing going as well, which does not help the above one bit. Looks like he is still trying to work things out with himself and the status of your relationship.
January 17th, 2008 at 8:05 am
churlita - most of our communications are as open as that last email. It’s just every few weeks there’ll be that wall that seems to appear out of no where. I’m glad it seems a little mixed to you. I was wondering if I was making that up.
evil-e - he HAS been torched in the past. Twice. The second was the mother of his children. Again, I’m glad to hear the on-the-fence thing confirmed….even if it doesn’t make me thrilled. It helps to know I’m not inventing that.
When I see it now, I can just say to myself “Oh, that’s Mr. Hockey sending mixed messages.” (or try to say that to myself….)
January 17th, 2008 at 8:36 am
They don’t call you Not Faint-hearted for nothing!
January 17th, 2008 at 9:24 am
hmmm….
without reading all the back story on this, here goes my two cents…
If he makes you feel good about yourself, if he makes you happy, if he does NOTHING to tear you down as a woman and only tries to build you up - then it is very okay to go slow.
men, by nature, are difficult, at best. pros at fence sitting…
with my three kids - if I were in your situation, I’d be thrilled to NOT have more kids in my life.
I understand being protective of your kids. I do. I also understand the need for validation - in meeting his kids.
But I hear you saying (that you think) he has to introduce you to his kids to have real meaning and place in his life. And while that can be a valid concern - it does not have to be true. It is not necessarily an indication of less worth in his life.(does that make sense?)
While he is a father and you are a mother - you are first a man and a woman. in a relationship. with each other. that sounds nice to me. be the woman. enjoy that role.
if it is to evolve, it will. if not, you will figure this out.
what are you losing by continuing to see him. what is this costing you?
t
January 17th, 2008 at 11:23 am
doc - yeah. well, there you go.
t-cole - brilliant! Thank you for pointing out the “validation” piece. I hadn’t named that and it’s important to name it. And I agree, I do NOT need to add more kids into my life. And although we talk about our children I’m careful to be clear that I claim no standing in telling him how to parent…and he doesn’t with me either. So, the question is a good one: Am I “losing” anything by continuing in this fashion?….
January 17th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
i am what you might call a ‘if it feels good and it ain’t hurting any one (especially me) - then do it” kind of girl.
If it is hurting you in ANY way - then rethink it.
If not, just do it, enjoy the realtionship and quit analyzing it to death.
Which is SO easy for me to say (’cause I never do that - i ALWAYS analyze EVERYTHING to death)
Live in the joyful moments - when you can.
You certainly deserve them!
Expect nothing - which makes it much easier when you get nothing and quite pleasant when you get MORE than nothing.
I hope this helps in some little way. In between all your questions and self doubts - you actually sound like you care for this man and really enjoy being with him.
I vote for that!
January 17th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
t_cole has crawled into my brain and stolen my thoughts except for the expect nothing part. I always find that easier said than done. Besides, in the very least you deserve respect and consideration, and have every right to expect that (and I’m not saying that you are not already receiving those things).
And you are far from crazy. You are getting mixed messages. I, personally, would be very slow to introduce my son to someone I’m dating, but 7 months is not exactly brake-neck speed.
But - the big but - finding someone you click with is huge, so it sounds as if this all deserves time to unfold.
January 17th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Although I think 7 months is plenty long enough for him to have introduced you to his kids, I do feel that since he’s been burned in previous relationships that we should give him some leeway and just allow him the time he needs to feel comfortable with the introcution of his kids.
January 17th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
First, I’ve been thinking of this post all day. I know how hard it is to have a mixed up feeling of rejection and not really know whether rejection may or may not exist. I could elaborate, but it’s easier to defer to my blog!
Second, with the way you’re feeling, I am shocked at you commenting on my blog. Thanks for coming out of your sickness-filled haze for that.
Third, I remember meeting a man at a singles event a few years ago. He was engaged and the fiance had never met the kids, who were older elementary to tweens. Very flip, he said that he had a great time on his own with his kids and he didn’t need someone else around. Essentially, he gave no added value to his fiance. This has always bothered me.
Fourth, I dated a guy who was so afraid that his kids would run tattling back to a potentially retaliating mom that all PDA with them around was off limits. I felt like the babysitter. I didn’t last long.
For you, I think there is something besdies getting burned. It is a convenient excuse. As trusting as I used to be, I have learned my lesson. My fiance used to smooth talk that way and I was honestly never comfortable with it. He was cheating on me and married her four months later. I have reasons not to trust, but I am bitter and cynical, too. Just make sure you don’t get to the point of being bitter and cynical like me.
January 17th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
The advice giving part of me says to give Mr. Hockey the time that he needs and to just enjoy the relationship for what it is (whatever that may be!)
The part of me that puts myself in the situation and says ‘how would it feel to YOU?’ knows that I don’t do all that well with ambiguity. I tend to want things settled and that has often worked to my detriment, I know….so I guess the advice giving part of me needs to win this point. Let it go if you can. Think of it as a generous gift to Mr Hockey.
January 17th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
I abstain.
My alarms seriously went off with the first email, but chilled somewhat with the second.
In Star Trek terms, I would be on yellow alert.
Hi.
January 17th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
t_cole - Sometimes I wish I could put The Analyzer on hiatus. But I yam what I yam, I guess
deezee - see! the Clicking seems to be important. And the Clicking? It is very good. So….
Diva - part of me wanted to check the 7 month thing with the general wisdom of the internets
Cricket- I thought I was cautious. Heh. then I met Mr. Hockey. Oh Well!!
My trust issues tend to center around finances and bills and lack of emotional availability/support. I tend to be able to isolate those issues but the emotional availability/support trigger is probably the one that this “no meeting the children” thing pings.
laura b. - thanks. I’m trying to be ok with more ambiguity in my life. Some of that is imposed, some is chosen. It’s not always easy.
Rich - sadly, I completely understand and appreciate the “yellow alert” reference. I’m such a geek.
January 18th, 2008 at 1:05 am
i guess i’m a sucker. the last email was pretty romantic but then again, i’m a total dreamer.
i do have to say, there is something to be said that you two have a relationship “just you two” without introducing kids into a complicated mix.
i would cherish the relationship between you two and not worry about the other “complicated” matters even though it’s been seven months without a meet and greet. but then again, what do i know?