Or, “The one where I realize I’ve screwed myself over. Again.”

And no, this isn’t about the caucus.

Or is it?

I just finished Therapydoc’s post about SADs and realize that a large portion of what I’m feeling is just that. The deep end of it.

I haven’t been using my light regularly. I haven’t been able to take a sun break vacation. And I don’t like (and therefore don’t have) a winter sport. To be defensive, I thought that zipping around visiting with friends would be enough. I thought that building a relationship would be enough, what with the adrenaline and endorphins produced there.

But once again I’m caught up in the conundrum of knowing and believing instinctually that being with people, having close healthy relationships, listening to music, laughing (things I like to do!) is a stress reliever (or even a stress inoculant) I’m stuck when the other people drop the ball. And that trust thing I’ve been working on gets stretched a little further, a little closer to the breaking point.

And then I look around at my days and realize that I’ve packed them full of activity. It’s what I do as a natural defense against curling up in a ball on the couch and eating my hair. If I have to go to work, to choir practice, to a meeting, if I have to meet “you” for dinner or a drink I have made a commitment to “you” and the people pleaser part of me won’t let me break that. Won’t let me be late. Well, except for work, it seems.

And so I drag my butt off the couch or out of bed and out the door and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

But I still feel hollow. Because at the end of the night, or the day or the meeting, it doesn’t feel like anyone knows what an effort I’ve made to be there. To be present.

This is especially hard and exhausting when the person is someone I’ve spent extraordinary amount of time listening to. Someone whom I want to feel happy and good and so I give back-rubs and make special meals and listen attentively, maybe not because I’m so interested in the subject matter, but because I’m really interested in the person and how that person lights up when discussing that subject.

I’ve said it before and I guess I’ll say it again. Where’s the reciprocity?

And this time of year I’m just too tired to fight it. Too tired to fight for it.

I’m swamped. I know my little boat will right itself in a little while. But I’m so sad and disappointed because I thought this year someone would help keep it unswamped or at least notice and sympathize.

So, I guess this isn’t about the caucus. Except for the fact that I added more activity to my schedule by staying. And by agreeing to be a delegate to the city convention in May (only school board for that one.) Because adding activity and keeping busy keeps me from having time to dwell on the fact that I’m in this alone. And it gives me the illusion that I’m not alone. And it builds up that little teeny fantasy of hope that somewhere in the midst of all this activity I’ll bump into someone who really wants to walk the distance with me in this journey.
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

rough week 2007
Leukemia Day 5 2005

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

rough week 2007
Leukemia Day 5 2005

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

rough week 2007
Leukemia Day 5 2005

Posted on February 8th, 2008 under SAD, my crazy life, self-care. RSS 2.0 feed. Leave a response, or trackback.