Patterns
or maybe it’s cycles. Or OH! I know! It’s a CONSPIRACY! No, just kidding. I know that’s not it.
I’ve been reading my regular list of reads this week and one of the things I’ve noticed is that a lot of people are going through the same sort of relationship upheaval that I’m going through.
Now, while some might repeat the old saw “misery loves company” I would beg to differ on that.
While it is somewhat comforting to be reminded that I’m not the only person in the history of the world to be treated to the vanishing act and that I’m not the only person who wonders if she stuck it out a little too long because of hoping that he’ll come around I’m not all that comforted knowing that so many people think passive-aggressive behavior like this passes for being an adult.
The evidence? Well, let’s start with Betty. Her Chemistry Guy went so far as to turn off his phone so that she couldn’t reach him. One step beyond just not answering when he saw it was her. And Ramblin’ Girl, same thing as Mr. Hockey. Just up and vanished. Read Feb 14-18 to see what I mean. Exact same scenario as Mr. Hockey and Chemistry Guy.
A trifecta coincidence? Mais NO, mon amis!
Even solid relationships tripped and stumbled and crashed into a million pieces last week. Compare Liz’s posts from Feb 13 and Feb 17. On the 13th it sounds like she’s unpacking some baggage in order to continue on with Hunky Actor Boyfriend. Something has happened but they’ve talked it out and things are healthily moving forward. Or so it seems. By the 17th it turns out he was “just for a season.” And when exactly did that conversation take place, or not take place? Well, sometime between the 13th and 17th would be my guess.
To top it all off, Neil and Sophia turned their long time separate-but-living-together arrangement into run of the mill separated with Neil moving out last week.
Certainly all this falling out of relationships isn’t unusual right? This sort of thing happens every day. Every week all year long. It only seems unusual because of the manufactured holiday that focuses on “happy” couples. Right? Well, maybe yes, and maybe no.
According to Emily (who is linked at the bottom of Liz’s post from the 17th) there is a theory that the six weeks between New Year’s Day and Valentine’s Day is the “Bermuda Triangle” for relationships. And according to one of the comments, it’s because guys wait until after the holidays so they don’t miss out on presents. I don’t know if I buy that reasoning, but the timing thing seems to have some validity.
Even in my own recent return to the adventures of singledom and dating, I’ve been essentially dumped the week preceding Feb 14 twice in two consecutive years. Another reason to keep a journal. I was shocked when I read this. It’s the EXACT SAME BEHAVIOR PATTERN.
Am I attracted to this somehow? If the only thing that’s in common with these three men and these three stories is me, what is it about me that contributes to this? Is that something I can or want to change? If not, how do I find someone different, because this sucks.
Faced with the overwhelming evidence I feel I want to keep several things in mind when (if?) I “get back out there.”
1) Figure out how to identify this passive-aggressive behavior pattern much soon. Can it be identified in a first date? or by a 4th-5th date? Maybe think about checking with the counselor to see if he can provide tips on how to identify that.
2) Take a trip (alone) the week before Valentine’s Day. Not only will it help with the SAD but maybe not being around will take the pressure off “him” and he won’t feel the need to cut and run.
3) Talk about this in November if it looks like a medium-term relationship is developing.
Not that I’m thinking of getting back out there any time soon. I spent an hour last night looking at personal ads on match.com, yahoo personals and even the ol’ Craigslist. There were a couple of guys who seemed interesting but when I contemplating “winking” or sending a note, my stomach clenched and I felt like crying.
Pretty much a sign that I’m not ready, wouldn’t you say?
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
February 19th, 2008 at 11:23 am
You’d make a great detective, gathering clues and drawing conclusions.
With what you’ve said, I don’t consider you dumped. You said your piece and he was a wuss. I think you trumphed.
February 19th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
http://msn.chemistry.com/msnarticles/RulesOfAttraction?trackingid=2000072&bannerid=2002567
This seemed to make sense to me and I just happened to have a long term come to a screeching halt mid-January.
February 19th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Cricket – thanks. It feels like “dumped” because of the magical disappearing quality of the event.
Randi – thanks for the link. That’s a good list!
February 19th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
In my personal experience, I have had my worst luck in summer. The last three really long relationships I had all ended in July-August. I usually have pretty good luck between the holidays and Val’s day.
Hallmark holidays suck anyway. A good relationship does need pre-written sentiment, manufactured love, bribes, and seemingly fake dinners in over crowded restaurants. A good relationship has a special day, they call it everyday.
February 20th, 2008 at 12:19 am
You will get back out there and you’ll find your guy. Just give yourself some time if you need to. If you’re not ready, you could mess up something really good. Give yourself some time to go out with your girlfriends or go see a good (or bad) girl movie and let yourself cry. We are women, it’s our birthright and the release is so important.
February 20th, 2008 at 4:36 am
The lack of the word “NOT” in the second thought really blew that comment. Please insert “NOT” between does and need. Thank you.
February 20th, 2008 at 9:00 am
evil-e — I agree that the manufactured holidays are the worst. And I knew you meant to put a “not” in that sentence.
churlita – I know. and I will. thanks.