The first day of the month is reflection day for me. I’ve gotten into this habit because I need to write up a report for my professional development group, recounting how I spent my time last month.

Part of the report is statistics; I spent so much time doing X, I had Y-number of 1-to-1 conversations, I attending Z-number of meetings. It is just an attempt to get a handle on whether I’m spending my time on the important things, or on the busy work.

Of course that doesn’t tell the whole story and the report also includes reflections on how I think things went, areas I feel I’m struggling or excelling and questions I’m asking myself about my public work.

But I have been struggling for the last several years to be more integrated and not so compartmentalized. So I at the same time as I’m assessing and analyzing how my public work is going, I give myself permission to reflect on the private life of one who is “not fainthearted.”

Part of that reflection this month has included re-reading some posts from the beginning of May of 2007.

So much has changed in the past year, and so much is just the same. And today, that realization that some of those things haven’t changed is making me sad and tired and a wondering a little about giving up.

Maybe the lesson to be learned is to give up. To stop trying so hard. To relax into the flow of where my life is right now and just quit expecting any more. Maybe I misunderstood the promise. The dream was too unrealistic. Or maybe I’m sabotaging it somehow.

A year ago, I sounded fairly content with the public-private balance (what some people will call work-life balance) but I was lonely; wanting to be wanted, missing being missed.

Today, a year later, I’m not sure about the balance question. I think that my cup is running over with good work for me to do, and I’m struggling with being present for the last few years with the boys. And while my friendships with the ya-ya’s is deepening, and I certainly have friends, I still feel the role of confidant, best-friend, go-to person has not been cast.

I am beginning to doubt whether that role should also include the role of lover, even though I have more evidence that some have found built such a relationship.

I listened to KA describe her husband this weekend. They’re young (she’s 31 and he’s 28.) And I’m so happy for the deep friendship they seem to share. I listened to RCD describe her new (3^rd!) husband and how realistic she is about his and her own and their combined demons and yet how head-over-heels she is with him. Heard her bubble over about their friendship. And I’m so happy for her to have found this after 2 other attempts. I told her she gives me hope! At age 61 to be going for it again is truly the incarnation of hope.

Amongst those stories I can’t help but ask the question: When? How long do I have to wait? Where do I need to “be” physically, geographically, emotionally to be in the right place at the right time? What should I be doing? What needs to be transformed? Because you know the passive role just doesn’t fit me. I must need to DO something to MAKE it happen, right?

And yet, I’m getting tired,
bone tired
soul tired
of trying so hard.

So utterly tired of
self-assessment
and navel gazing

Aren’t I enough just as I am?
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Libby still very sick 2007
making sense of it…or not 2007

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Libby still very sick 2007
making sense of it…or not 2007

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Libby still very sick 2007
making sense of it…or not 2007

Posted on May 1st, 2008 under balance, big questions. RSS 2.0 feed. Leave a response, or trackback.