Idiot
I feel like a complete idiot.
I don’t know the f*cking rules to this game.
Be assertive? Don’t be assertive? Be direct? Be coy? Tell what you want? Don’t be demanding? Be yourself? Be prim and proper and “adorable”? Ask? Wait to be asked? Be strong? Be needy? Be sincere? Be cavalier? Don’t appear desperate. Don’t appear too self-sufficient.
I should have said something months ago but didn’t.
I should have asked for clarification but didn’t.
I feel like an idiot because tonight I WAS going to say something. I WAS going to ask, suggest, state and take the f*cking risk.
I’m an idiot because even when being told, I played the Role of the Supportive Friend. “Yay You! 3 dates and you both like each other! How wonderful!” And look! Here she is! “She’s adorable!” (Tall, slender, sophisticated looking, reasonably smart. Doesn’t appear insane. Not needy. One of “those” women.)
And I got to sit with her through the whole set, pointing out other people he knows in the crowd and chatting amiably about “stuff.” I did a real good job being the supportive friend. (I paid my tab at the last song and said my good-byes as soon as he returned to the table. I couldn’t have held the facade any longer.)
And most of all. MOST OF ALL? I’m an idiot because I cried the whole way home. Because I’m still crying.
F*ck.
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
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I’m missing rehearsal 2007
did you ever notice, 2007
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
-
I’m missing rehearsal 2007
did you ever notice, 2007
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
-
I’m missing rehearsal 2007
did you ever notice, 2007
May 30th, 2008 at 10:07 am
I just got caught up on your last three months and wow!
Obviously, he didn’t realize your worth or deserve what you have to give. It sounds slightly short-sided on his part and uncaring that you would spend time with him as a “friend.” Most women do not hang out with guys as friends unless they state this fact bluntly in the beginning.
I’m sorry you are hurting.
gorillabunss last blog post..today, i would have received my 30 day chip
May 30th, 2008 at 11:14 am
thanks.
I think I’ve kept my integrity, not pretending to be someone or something I’m not (like a hockey fan, for instance…which I can fake pretty well, BTW) but that doesn’t feel very consoling right now. I know it will in a couple of days though.
May 30th, 2008 at 11:16 am
The rules are “Be yourself and follow your heart.”
If this is that hockey dude, follow the wise words of Sam Elliot in Road House:
“I can’t believe you’re still dragging that shit around with you.
It seems to me, you’d be a little more philosophical about it…
…and cut it the fuck loose.”
May 30th, 2008 at 11:55 am
It’s not Mr. Hockey. It’s someone I’ve known for about a year and a half. We have tons in common from being musicians (versus “liking music”) to golf, motorcycles, photography, authors, humor and deep thinkers theologically (although we differ on conclusions there), politics, outlook on why we even exist (do the best we can and help each other) and familiarity with depression…both our own and of family members. Someone who knows what a complete dork I can be and who professes to “value my opinion” about his art and other areas of his life and whose opinion I’ve sought out.
We’re friends. Good friends. I thought he knew I was also attracted to him beyond “just friends.” I thought my inability to keep the little touches to myself were screaming that. I thought that because he didn’t say “stop it” or say WTH it was reciprocated but I guess not. I was learning to trust him as a friend and began to think of it has having more potential. I guess not. And I feel like an idiot for apparently making it up.
May 30th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
I just read something similar written by a girl, not as down a post, but similar in content.
I had a female friend a few years ago that was my perfect fit. When we first started hanging out, we worked together and she stated that she did not date coworkers…so be it. We became very close and almost crossed that “line” but did not. Mind you, I am a fairly aggressive sort in most all other cases, but in the case with her I could not do it. I look back, I kick myself, and wonder what if.
I guess I did not want to damage the friendship while at the same time being attracted to her on all levels. Sometimes there is too much respect and almost fear of finding “the one”.
May 31st, 2008 at 2:29 pm
That’s very difficult. Very very. Honesty usually works, as long as you can move on if the answer is no.
June 4th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Hey, you know, since you used the asterisk, I had NO IDEA you said FUCK!
Heh. Anyway. Just as a reminder: NOBODY DOES THIS RIGHT. NOBODY.
Much love, sister.
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