Moratorium:
1. a suspension of activity: a moratorium on the testing of nuclear weapons.

2. a legally authorized period to delay payment of money due or the performance of some other legal obligation, as in an emergency.

3. an authorized period of delay or waiting.

[Origin: 1870–75; < NL, LL morātōrium, n. use of neut. of morātōrius moratory]
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 31 May. 2008.

Earlier last week, I was feeling my usual mix of emotions around my life. This particular conundrum seemed to center around economics.

I’m luckier than most these days, with a job that even if I’m not in love with it, pays a very good wage and provides health benefits.

Of course one of the main logical reasons for taking this job (aside from not having to worry about breaking a leg and going broke. And being able to keep us in beans and weanies) was that I’d be able to pay off my debt, refinance my mortgages and generally getting into financial shape for taking dirt-paying jobs as a full time church musician rabble-rouser.

And I’ve done most of that in the last nine months. Straightening up the finances to the point where I started to think “Hey! Maybe you could spend some of that money on yourself!” And so I did.. I paid for a nice vacation that I’ll take (by myself) at Thanksgiving time. All paid for. Airfare and everything (please, for the love of God, I hope NWA-Delta merger doesn’t mess that up too badly.)

And I bought a motorcycle.

And then I began to chastise myself for doing all that. I chalk it up to 1) being a mom and 2) my upbringing as a midwestern Norwegian-American. (Garrison Keillor isn’t all wrong. We are trained from an early age that it’s not right to be too happy.)

As I struggled with having spent a bunch of money on something that was just for me (because it’s certainly not for the Darling Sons) I read about Laurie’s mid-year resolution.

Now, Laurie is usually a good inspiration for me, having started her journey down the path of dealing with life post-divorce about a year before me. She’s especially good for me when she’s being all introspective and reflective as she is able to articulate quite well some of the arguments going on in my own head.

Her reflection earlier in the week revolved around how the state of her house is sort of a reflection of her inner life, and also how easy it is to get sucked into the thinking that goes something like “you feel empty and lonely so fill up with stuff. And also you’ll be a good citizen because you’ll be stimulating the economy.”

And she’s so right. We all know that both of those arguments (”it’ll make you feel better” and “it’s your patriotic duty”) are false . In fact, they are evil. In fact, if you were talking to some of my post-modern young friends they would say those ideas are lies of the devil (While I get into some of the post-modern stuff, I’m not quite ready to say it’s all spiritual war fare all the time. But I digress. I know. Shocking.)

And I look around my house and see chaos. And I have to admit that it is a fairly accurate reflection of the chaos in my emotional life.

I have been perfectly fine using the excuse of being “too busy” to do anything about it. It’s a great excuse, because it’s based in fact. A person working 60+ hours a week with two teenage sons probably shouldn’t be spending every waking hour working. It’s not healthy. Gotta have some down time, you know? So, on those off evenings when I wasn’t running off to something, or madly writing some report, article or course due the next day I would practice my art of “disconnection.” Or as I refer to it, the ability to feel the need to clean but sit down until the urge passes.

And every week, more stuff piled up. More clutter, more dirt more chaos.

Not just uninvited stuff, like junk mail.

Stuff that came into the house in bags. Stuff I had to pay money for.

And it never really has a place to be, so it can’t be put away. It just gets “organized” (read: piled) in various edges of various rooms. And it would get piled up into the self-criticism of “proving” how I wasn’t worth a relationship because I couldn’t even keep my own house in order.

And my anxiety level never really drops because the anxiety is at least partly related to the condition of my home.

Anyway. I’m reading Laurie’s post and thinking how right she is and what a great idea she has and how much intestinal fortitude for setting these goals like this and a little voice pipes up and says “Just Do It.”

So I’m in.

Beginning tomorrow, June 1, 2008, Chez Journey is under a moratorium on all non-essential spending. I’m heading back to my modus operandi of the Get Out of Debt campaign of 2004-2007. But with the addition of a De-Clutter Campaign. Each and every purchase (even the $1.98 impulse buys) need to pass the inquisition of “Do you REALLY NEED this?”

No new clothes until I need to down-size. And then mostly from thrift stores (except for undies. Just saying.) I’ve never really been a clothes horse type of girlie girl anyway. But I’ve been finding myself checking out the tops at Target every time I pick-up more dog food. Do I really need another v-neck tee? No. Actually, I don’t. And I have sandals and skirts that will take me through another summer at the office.

The biggest non-essential item on this list? Anything to do with on-line dating memberships. Every time I’m tempted to throw $60 at one of those places, I’m going to throw the $60 into the vacation fund and think of the sidewalk cafe where I’ll have dinner and watch a sunset or the train-ride into the country, or even being able to rent a scooter to take a little side trip to a nearby vineyard.

I’m giving myself until the end of the summer to de-clutter each room in this house. One room a week. Some will be done in an afternoon but I’m including the basement (yikes!) and that’s at least a couple of evenings and a weekend project. Maybe two weeks because it’s been at least five years since I’ve paid it any attention besides going down there to do laundry.

This is about more than giving away the clothes, books, toys and STUFF that I don’t use. This is about paring it down to only the things that I really love. Keeping only the things that make me feel good when I use them.

I’m not saving that dress in the back of the closet anymore. Or the some of the kitchen stuff I “inherited” from my mom’s family that I’ll never ever use (hello? 1960’s chafing dishes? seriously?) It is all going to someone who can use it now. Who will use it now. Who needs it now. I’m not hanging on to the pulp fiction novels (anybody want a collection of Jodi Picoult? Pay the postage and they’re yours!)

And I’m not going to take the time and energy to have a yard sale or sell this stuff on eBay. I’m opening the flow by giving it all away. Clearing out the backwaters of my closet and my psyche. Dredging the channel so that the in flow has room to be deep and life-giving.

I’m going to spend my summer taking real care of myself body, mind and spirit. Exercise, motorcycle riding and de-cluttering are my prescription. I’m going to focus on living as lightly and as simply as possible on this earth.

This is in line with my general political and theological outlook on our life together on this planet. But it’s also in my own self interest. I hope.

If I’m busy de-cluttering, exercising and riding my motorcycle during my “down time” maybe I can’t obsess about my loneliness and start thinking that “something is better than nothing.” Because I’ve got 20 years of my truth that says “Nothing is far superior to Non-partnership.” I’ll be remembering my truth that I am enough and I don’t need stuff or empty relationships to make me complete.

And I’ll continue to give myself permission to cry and purge out that
grief and anger, too. I do think I’m beginning to feel like I’m getting
it all out.

I’ll be making room in my life for the companionship and love that is on it’s way.

So, like any good dieter today was splurge day.

Because I haven’t really decided yet if pedicures are essential or not.
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Blue Moon 2007
WIIFM? 2006
Thank God for the air-conditioner repairman 2006

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Blue Moon 2007
WIIFM? 2006
Thank God for the air-conditioner repairman 2006

— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Blue Moon 2007
WIIFM? 2006
Thank God for the air-conditioner repairman 2006

Posted on May 31st, 2008 under big questions, shopping. RSS 2.0 feed. Leave a response, or trackback.