Today was a roller coaster of emotions mostly all brought on by my own twisted little brain.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve actually been fantasizing that my love life (such as it is) was going to improve. Now, I must say that I haven’t taken any proactive steps in that direction. I’ve actually got no on-line profiles active and I still can’t bring myself to pay money for that sort of thing; not money that I could spend on a nice bottle of Chianti on a piazza next week. But mostly that scrimping has to do with the fact, as I’ve mentioned several freaking times over the last couple of years, that there is a perfectly good candidate standing in front of me that for reasons of “timing” and other karmic crap it just hasn’t worked out.

I thought, given a conversation a few weeks ago, and then another, and then another that maybe the timing was going to give me a break. The last conversations were that she was going to “think about it for a week” while he was out of town but that he didn’t think she would change her mind. It was over. He was sad. I was conciliatory and comforting. He was feeling abandoned. I was understanding. He was disappointed. I started to have hope that maybe, after a suitable period of mourning, I could address the possibility of us.

And then a Facebook status message two days ago seemed to indicate that indeed the window of opportunity was here. He was no longer “single” but not “in a relationship” or anything else either.

And then there was the old unreturned email about something completely unrelated to his attachment or un-attachment. And the unreturned email about the Facebook status.

And then a status today that seems to prove that while I’m remarkably empathetic and intuitive in reading people in every other arena of my life, I am no damn good at reading this man. At. All.

Because he’s “excited to be having dinner tonight with [daughter] and [woman I thought he was no longer in relationship with.]

And then I had to have a phone call with the administrator from the synod about the fact that my internship evaluations are not in yet and the deadline was last Tuesday and if she doesn’t have all the paperwork by tomorrow “I don’t know whether I’ll be able to have a place for you because it’s filling up really fast.”

And I told her that comments like that didn’t really make me feel valued.

People are struggling with those evaluations because they ask stupid questions. Questions like: “How have your skills a facilitating groups of people grown during this internship?”

Are you kidding me?

I’m 47 years old. I’ve taught middle school band and choir for six years, directed church music for 25 years, facilitated corporate training classes of all kinds for 12 years, led meetings, brainstorming sessions, nominal group technique, group problem solving, and social justice actions. Just to mention a few. All before starting this internship. And you want to know how in 9 months my facilitation skills have grown? I’d like to know where they needed to grow. I know that sounds arrogant. And believe me, there are plenty of places where I can be better at stuff. Lots of stuff. But facilitation skills? No so much.

But this is the paperwork I have to have turned in 30 days before the panels convene in order for them to tell me I’m good enough to do a job that I’ve been doing for 25 years.

I’m weary of jumping through these hoops. I’m weary of trying to prove to these people who don’t know me that I’m “good enough.” Especially when I see some of  the chuckle-heads they let loose on unsuspecting congregations.

I’m weary of being a sport and “trusting the process” and doing just one more thing. I need to be done with this candidacy and I need to get on with the rest of my life. If you don’t think I’m fit for public ministry, then just say so and we can be done with this. I think you’d be wrong and I could find a boat full of people who would support me in that assertion, including the Deaconess Community. I’m tired of playing by your one-size-fits-all rules. If you don’t like it then maybe you can lump it and I’ll take my game and go elsewhere.

This might just be the straw that makes me leave the Church I love.

And that hurts even more than the first thing.

Because it’s a rollercoaster, dude.

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— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…

Friday the 13th 2009
Holiday Carnival; T-6 weeks 2007
it’s such a small thing, really 2006
running on empty 2006
Bye CN! 2004

November 13th, 2008 | Category: my crazy life | Subscribe to comments | Leave a comment | Trackback URL