Again with the exhaustion?
Yesterday, I didn’t even hear the clock radio blaring at 6:35 a.m. I didn’t hear it stop at 7:35. I didn’t even move (I don’t think) until 8:17 and by that time I had missed the opportunity to meet G for breakfast.
This morning I heard the radio, but not until about 7:20. And I actually used the snooze button until about 8:10. I could go right back to sleep right now.
Neither night did I go to bed overly late…my usual trundle upstairs at 10:30 or so. And neither night did I read until all hours. Last night it took a bit for me to fall asleep but not too bad.
I’m tired of being tired.
I’m tired of everything seeming like such a struggle to accomplish; always having to push and strive and fight to get things done. Either pushing and striving through my own fatigue or wrestling with the blockades and hurdles the world throws in front of me preventing me from getting my work done.
A month or so ago, I sat with KO and we talked about my dissatisfaction with still being bi-vocational. He asked me “what do you want?” and the question stumped me. Not because I don’t know but because I thought I was very clear.
- I want a partner who is a real partner.
- I want only one job that I can throw my whole being into. Something where I feel I’m making a difference in the world. Not something where I’m pushing a boulder up a hill everyday, or where I’m only contributing to the bottom line.
- I want to have time to spend talking and being with my partner and telling about that one job that energizes me.
- I want my children to be happy for me being happy.
- I want a clean house that I can welcome guests into for evenings or a few days.
- I want to travel and learn about the world.
- I want to be able at the end of my life to look back and say “I did some good. I changed that. I made it better.”
- I want to know what “enough” is and I want to be happy with it.
Some of that I have already. Or have had at one time. I know that.
But it all just feels so exhausting to chase after it and ever so tempting to just give up. It wouldn’t be all that bad to just lay down and Sleep and be free.
— — —
A year ago (or longer) on This Journey…
June 17th, 2009 at 10:22 am
You do so much. Maybe if you could take a week of vacation and really rest, not fill it with other activities, you could get back to it a;; refreshed. I realize that it easier said than done
June 17th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Hmm… Ideas, not that you need them
Go to bed earlier.
Find something that will clear your mind.
If you know what you want, make a big step to get one thing?
Let yourself be tired for a week and sleep a lot.
Get help if it persists.