On Wednesday I had a great meeting with KO talking about how I was going to find another job. We talked about whether I should look at the pure organizing jobs out there and why I thought I was having these gut feelings I couldn’t decide if they were excitment about going for it or my inner self going “wtf do you think you’re doing?” He suggested that organizing would mean I’d have to create community and using the organizing tools in and with parish work meant I was shaping community, which maybe feels better and healthier to me just now. What he said made a lot of sense.

He also challenged me to form a group that would encourage and hold me accountable through this job search. Especially around making follow-up calls and such. We brainstormed a few names.

Yesterday I met with MD, one of the people on my list. Not only to proposition her to be on this table for me but to have a one-on-one conversation to catch up. The proposition went very well and she has agree to consider being on this table for me, depending on how it turns out to meet and such.

That’s when I took a sharp turn and suggested that it could be a mutually supportive table. She gently pointed out that she would be less interested in  it if was a mutually supportive table as she has several agitation tables she participates in. And then she turned the spotlight on the problem. I was trying to make it about everybody instead of trusting in the idea that three people would be willing to spend their time to support ME. That the idea of these tables is short-term and it’s all about ME (or the person forming them.)

She was gentle in her agitation but she was right on. I do not trust that three people would actually do this for me and I’m not really sure exactly why I don’t believe that. People have done similar things for me in the past (when I formed a community orchestra, board members came…sort of.)

My tendancy to caretake everyone else showed itself in true colors as I had tried to make this more palatable for people to participate by making it about them. The idea that I really don’t think I’m worth these people’s time was sort of shocking to me but undeniable that it is a core belief out of which I act.

I’m so glad I asked MD. And that she pointed it out to me.

Now, what am I going to do with it?

As an aside, I feel a lot better today than I did yesterday, post-massage. Uli really stirred up a lot of stuff my untying some of those knots a little. Not just physically stored crap, but emotional stuff too. This conversation with MD was an example of it, in a way.

The holiday weekend begins with taking DS1 to baseball (regional tournaments) at 9:00, going to watch his game at 12:30 (after mowing the lawn with DS2). Some other cleaning and the Pirates 3 tonight at 5:30 (hey, it’s matinee pricing.)

Sunday is church, a confirmation party, a graduation party and more cleaning. Maybe more planting.

They are with their dad on Monday. YM leaves for Calgary on Sunday afternoon. My wild and crazy dream is that McKilt comes over for a bbq here. Of course, I hesitate to ask because I’m afraid to ask for what I want, for fear of being turned down (see above.) I guess I’m really still struggling with this whole abandonment/rejection thing, huh?