I’ve said this a bunch of times before, but one of the great things about this electronic journaling is the ease with which one can look back 6, 12, 24 months and see clearly where one has been. My “resolutions” post from last year was impressive. As I re-read it I realized I liked that person! (which is a pretty good realization to have!)
I’m still amazed at the progress I’ve made post-divorce. It hardly seems possible but it really is starting to feel like the marriage was “something I once did” and not something that defines me. Especially since it would tend to define me negatively now.
Being the organized anal type (when I’m not being all right-brained and artsy) I want to reflect on what my goals were last year at this time and decide how I did working towards them. And, whether I want to keep them in my list of things to focus on for 2008.
Take care of my physical self:
1. Lose the weight. Keep going on the walking and add even more cardio. I’ve already signed up (but not paid for, yet) a Pilates class that is on Thursday nights.
Well, I dropped the pilates and the curves by Easter time. I kept up the walking but not enough to really lose more weight. Maybe a few more pounds. But there’s plenty left to go and I really want it gone, or at least most of it gone by this time next year. It came on slowly so I’m OK with it going off slowly. 2 pounds a month is pretty slow, but if I did that I’d be within shouting distance of a medically acceptable target weight. I really think that if I add a couple of miles (30 minutes) of walking a day and continue to eat a healthy, balanced un-diet I could do it.
It all comes down to committing myself to taking the time to do the walking. To see myself as really truly worthy of not taking care of someone/something else in order to take care of myself. That’s a lot of conditioning to go against so it’s no wonder that up until now I’ve pretty much flailed about with this one.
But I’ll pick it up again this year and see if I can’t carry it a bit further than last year.
2. I talked with the golf coach today and will schedule with him starting early in January.
Golfpro has moved his studio to the south side of the river. Almost all his other clients are from that end of town and with the bridge collapse it just made more sense for him to move across the river. It’s not that far though, just inconvenient. I really enjoyed playing this summer and completely missed out on fall golf. Which is a whole different issue…sort of. It’s good to have something that pulls me outside, so I’m keeping it in my bag of self-care tricks. Plus I bought shoes, so, you know…
I did pretty good with this one, especially since June. Although the last couple of months have slid a little due to schedules. I am fairly confident that this will continue to be a successful part of my self-care.
4. Get insurance and continue seeing the therapist. Make appointments for the dentist and ophthalmologist for me (not just the boys.)
Done, except for the ophthalmologist. But I’ll call today. I still have flex money I need to use and I have a 3 month grace period on this plan, so new glasses (or contacts???) here I come!
Take care of my emotional self:
5. Spend more time developing women friends who can be there to debrief the dates. This needs to happen because it is very clear that my pre-divorce friends have written me off.
It’s coming along. RS is filling in well. I need to be a much more circumspect about using JW in this capacity. She’s convenient, but as a co-worker I’m not comfortable crossing that line with her anymore. Plus the whole energy expenditure at work thing…
I do need to continue to work on this. So much of what drives me around the bend in the day-in day-out of my life would be easier if I had someone I could just process out loud with. And I’m learning that really, men aren’t equipped for that role. No matter how much I would like it to be different.
6. Take time to grieve the loss of those friends who have written me off.
Doing well. Sometimes it still comes up and whacks me up side the head but grief is like that. It was particularly hard while I was looking for rides to and from the hospital the last couple of weeks. I was proud that I kept going with the list of people in my life now and rewarded by those women thanking me (thanking me?) for calling them! Totally new experience.
7. Take the advice of “What’s her name” in Tuscan Sun: Focus on fixing my house and forget about the dating. It will happen when it’s ready to happen.
Yeah. Dating is going pretty well, what with Mr. Hockey and all. But I wonder if I’ve left off “fixing my house” in favor of focusing on building the relationship. An old habit and another one that is both hard to break and dangerous in the long run when it becomes an “either/or” situation. Has to be “both/and” and that’s where some balance comes in.
8. Teach the people with whom I am in relationship how I want to be treated. Don’t date desperately.
I truly was ready to give up the whole dating thing when Mr. Hockey came along. And, as I’ve mentioned here before we’re getting to a point where I’m concerned about being “kept secret.” It goes toward the “don’t date desperately” part of that goal. I know now that I won’t fall apart or shrivel up and cease to exist without a man in my life. So, it’s getting time to step up on this one. I’m understandably scared about it, but I absolutely cannot “settle.” It’s way too soon for that.
Working on it.
10. Talk with strangers. Listen to their stories.
Doing well on this. From waitrai to check-out clerks, I’m feeling pretty good about being in the moment with the people who come in and out of my life for fleeting moments. It helps me to feel grounded and genuine and I like doing it.
11. Don’t sit home alone and mope. If friends aren’t available, go out alone.
A little backsliding on this the last couple of months. And I don’t like how I feel or talk to myself when I don’t do this. I need to keep working here on owning my own social life. Weird.
12. Play more. Look for the opportunity to add play into the day whenever possible.
This went very well up until I started working the corporate job. I’ve let that infuse too much of my life with a pall of grey despair and it has got to stop. Right. Now.
13. Treat myself as well as I hope someone will treat me one day. Buy the flowers, give the time, feel sexy and confident and loved but don’t rely on those feelings to come from someone else.
Doing pretty well on this account, but I feel like money is pouring out of my hands because of it. I need to spend some time reflecting before buying about whether I really “need” something or if I’m trying to fill a need that can’t actually be filled by more stuff. On the other hand, I’m really enjoying being able to buy myself little things like a small bottle of Chanel No. 5 and wearing it whenever I want.
Take care of my working self:
14. Find a September job that is challenging, compelling and financially rewarding (as much as church work can be, anyway) where I can develop deep working relationships, where my passions and my gifts are desired and recognized and supported.
Oy. Well, I’m financially solvent and I have health insurance, which has saved my financial fanny since it turns out I needed a little medical care. This year, as far as work goes, the challenge is going to be BALANCE. Balancing a full-time corporate job that is paying lots and lots of bills and a part-time internship that is furthering my ability to leave the corporate world. Mostly I need to do that because of the whole last part of that sentence: “…where I can develop deep working relationships, where my passions and my gifts are desired and recognized and supported.”
15. Get better at measuring my success in how I feel rather than in how much I do.
The world does not want to let a person do this. Even the people who advise me to measure this way don’t do this. When I express my grief, fatigue and general frustration at the state of my “work” life, the ubiquitous reply is “Well, you have insurance!” or “Keep cashing the checks!” or something along those lines. It is really quite astounding how hard it is to live counter-culturally AND expect support in doing so.
Basically, continue to grow into myself.
I think I came a long way. There’s spots where I’ve circled back and lapsed but generally, I think I’m better off this year than I was last year and that’s really the idea isn’t it?
The above goals comprise hundreds of different actions. Some internal and subjective, some external and measurable. To sum up, here’s a list of things of some of the actions/behaviors I’d like to work on in 2008:
- Spend more time intentionally in prayer. Use that prayer calendar and build those relationships. There are 80 women out there that call you sister. Live up to it and expect them to live up to it, too.
- Focus on building health. Continue to eat a balanced, healthy un-diet. Bring a lunch to work at least 3x per week. (Hopefully working from home the other 2 days!!) Add more movement into my daily routine. Walking with the dog, for instance, maybe 3x per week?
- Swear less. Start with removing the F-word from the lexicon. (Gotta pick an alternative and figure out a reward system.)
- Nest more. De-clutter my house. I feel like I’m still dragging so much of my past along with me in the clutter that’s physical and emotional and mental. Maybe the process of cleaning out the physical space again will help sort out the mental? Start the bathroom remodel. I need a tub and another shower in this house. Try to be happier when I’m alone. Treasure the time instead of “enduring” it. Play more games and watch more movies with the boys. As long as they let me. The days are numbered.
- Find opportunities to make good music. Make the CD already.
- Take care of the finances. Refinance the mortgages and write and file a will (do you file a will? I don’t even know!) and double check all the beneficiaries on everything. File the taxes early. Get it done and off the agenda.
- Act out more. Write more letters, make more phone calls, establish more relationships with public offices. Use this 2 year internship time to lay the foundation for being effective in the public arena.
- Limit the amount of emotional energy spent in dysfunctional relationships at work and with family of origin. Without guilt. (OK that last part might be gilding the lily.)
It’s a shorter list than last year, but I’m not sure it’s less aggressive.
Here’s to 2007! It was a year full of surprises and blessings and we’re glad to see it end. And here’s to 2008. May it be full of the things that really count.