You know how satire can be funny because it holds (and hides) that really awkward and painful Grain of Truth?

This morning I read this on friend’s FB feed: Report: 10 Million Killed Annually By Stepping Out Of Comfort Zones

It’s at The Onion. And it’s predictably laugh-out-loud hilarious. Until I got to the last sentence:

“The report found that the safest individuals were those who surrendered to the soul-crushing monotony of habit and then convinced themselves that they had things pretty good.”

Ah! There’s the skewer! The pitard. The sling and the arrow. That damned Grain of Truth in your shoe.

I’ve spent at least the last month trying to “think outside the box” “open up my paradigm” and “be watchful for what God is doing in your life.”

I’ll pause so you can get your buzz-word gag reflex under control.

Better? Sorry about that. I’ll try to be better.

But really, I’ve been digging – hard.

Found out about that a bunch of Mission Developers (that’s official church-speak for ordained pastors – and I mean ORDAINED PASTORS-not any other kind of official rostered leader, thank you) partnering up with a trained organizer to facilitate starting new churches.

“Hey!” I thought. “I could do that! I’m a trained organizer and a trained musician. And I like collegial collaborative work arrangements! And I think we have something to different to add to the public perception of Christianity that maybe is what people need. I could partner with a mission developer and then the church would have social justice and advocacy from the beginning instead of trying to add it on later when everyone was all ‘we’ve never done it that way before.’”

Well… we don’t really do that partnership thing here. They might out in California or the Pacific NW, but not so much here in Minneapolis. They’re trying it in St. Paul? Huh.

I tried looking at my fall set-up (1 choir and a new corporate job) with fresh eyes.  Couldn’t this be a call? Could the congregation write a letter of call that expects me to work in the world and bring back both their needs and best practices from that experience? We call people to work in outside agencies all the time. How is this so different? You mean if I got exactly the same job at UHG – a nonprofit (although commonly known dysfunctional toxic workplace) it COULD be a call, but because it’s at a for-profit company you won’t?

Ok. How about this one? A neighboring church wants to start a Sunday evening contemplative prayer service and needs a leader/musician. That’s about 3-hours a week commitment.

“Can the two congregations write a combined letter of call that, with the 7-hours a week from the children’s choir getting me up to the required 10-hour minimum for a call?”

Probably not. Because they’re not a “combined parish.” But I’ll check the rule book.

Can I offer my HR Leadership Development expertise as a freelancer – or through the congregation? Offer leadership development classes for pastors and councils (things like Governance, Roles & Responsibilities, Performance management best practices, How to Do Action Planning and Problem Solving… that kind of thing.)

Oooh. We sure do need that but you can’t get a call as a contractor as a first call.

Maybe I should re-read “Catch-22.”

I told a pastor (church developer) friend yesterday it feels like I’m standing on the wrong side of the gate, looking through the bars and it’s locked. And it’s too high to climb over. And anyway it’s electrified.

And everyone on the other side of the fence just keeps telling me “don’t worry about it.”

And even though I’ve been standing here at the front of the line for years, the gatekeepers still look at me like they’ve never met me before and tell me I’m missing a form.

“The report found that the safest individuals were those who surrendered to the soul-crushing monotony of habit and then convinced themselves that they had things pretty good.”

You know. I do have it pretty good. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me like crazy and I love him like crazy. I have a choir again. I’ve got a job again (after only 5 months of unemployment!!!) that’s going to pay bills and keep groceries on the table. Probably a salary that will let me do some traveling, too.  My Norwegian forebears would be scandalized to learn that I want any more than that. I should be happy. I will be happy.

I wonder if a lobotomy is covered under my new health insurance.